Before you decide what's on this page is tired and been told too many times already, I ask you to consider the following. At the age of 44..My kids were taken away from me and I had to sit in supervised visits to spend time with them.
My family and friends either disowned me or cut me off and never returned to my life.
I was publicly shamed in the community I have lived in almost my entire life making it difficult to have a social or professional life.
Every material possession I had was taken away from me. What we owned together was fought for in court and what belonged exclusively to me was put into garbage bags and taken to the dump without me knowing it.
No one ever apologized or made an effort to hear my story or reenter my life.
And it was all done intentionally, and orchestrated by one person, because I had information she feared would ruin the public persona she had meticulously created for decades. In other words, none of it had to happen. It was her choice to ruin my life. And she didn't care how many other lives she ruined or damaged as long as no one would hear my story or believe it. I think the information contained here supports that statement. I know there were people who thought I needed to get over it and move on. People who thought I was playing the victim. You don't get over something like this,, not ever. It changes who you were at your core, and makes it difficult, perhaps even unlikely, that you will ever trust anyone again. All of this because one person was worried about her Public Image.
I ask that you consider what follows with an open mind and understand you may reject it. It isn't my intent to tarnish anyone or to be vindictive. I want to be seen in death in a way I wasn't seen in life. I want to be seen in truth. I want my character and integrity to go without the doubts and questions that followed me until I can no longer be followed. I want the curtain pulled back to reveal the man I was and not the man others needed me to be. I deserve that. I lost everything to preserve that including the purity of my relationships with you. I lived in agony over that stance because I'll never know how much it cost me. I'll never know if it was worth it.
- I spent the last third of my life trying to reclaim the life that was taken from me and reassemble the very strong sense of self I had before these events shattered it into a million little pieces. I wasn't able to do it. Instead, I discovered I had been irreversibly damaged to recover what was lost. I learned to accept my new reality.
- My family of origin was taken from me. I was judged and rejected by the community that shaped me and I loved. And I was told I didn't deserve to be a part of your lives by the people who tried to take you out of mine.
- Allow me to briefly reiterate what I said during the time before and after my arrest. I had broken off a relationship with Shelly Morris, who I loved, to try to fix things with your mother. I had suspicions she was cheating when she made the decision to move out. and I had even stronger suspicions just before she was set to move back in. I started using drugs six weeks before the day of my arrest in an attempt to ease the pain and confusion I was not equipped to deal with. I confirmed my suspicions before I allowed her to move back in. I confirmed she was in a relationship with Scott Braymer.
- It's not being told to persuade anyone's perception or belief. You are capable of developing those on your own.
- It's not being told to create "sides". I don't care if you choose one and if you do I'd prefer you keep it to yourself. I think it's important, however, to remind ourselves that there are two sides to every story. If we agree to hear one, and not the other, we owe it to everyone involved to recognize our bias, and not get involved.
- It's not being told in an effort to make one person look 'bad', and another person 'good'. The participants in my story chose the behaviors they engaged in, and made decisions for themselves. You are more than capable of thoughtful analysis. You can come to those conclusions on your own.
- My story is being told because it desreves to be heard, and no one has agreed to hear it. Ever. I deserve to be seen as the person I truly am and who I am is in my story, just as you are in yours. I have complete trust in your ability to separate fact from fiction. All I ever asked was that my story be heard. I didn't demand, or expect, anyone to agree with it. It's your decion to accept, or reject it. I just asked that it be heard.
I don't believe I was treated how I was treated, or that my relationships ended, because I used cocaine and got arrested. I find a more accurate assessment, a more plausible one, in the following explanation. When I was told that people would be there for me, and that everyone just wanted me to "get better", I went away determined to do that. I did, and then I came back. I was abandoned, and maligned, when the people wanting me "better" realized they wouldn't be involved in crafting the ways in which I'd do it. I think that shocked and scared them. I had always granted them control, before.
Life is a process of losing things, and getting lost, no matter how good we are at living. The sooner we come to accept that, the better off we are. Going through this turmoil taught me not to fight it, or be afraid, and for the first time in my life I didn't, and I wasn't. The things I did, and am most proud of, would not have been attempted if I hadn't been on the verge of death by cocaine. The journey that led to real humility, and the risking of authenticity, began with being arrested. My story was written then.
My story has three parts - what happened before my arrest, what happened after, and what happened before I was married, and you were born. It is presented to represent and address all three. My story isn't a story without the inclusion of each.
What follows are the notes I kept during the year that followed my arrest. I kept them daily or weekly to help make sense of what occured. They are today, for the most part, the same as they were then. I'm not writing as reflection. I'm sharing the desriptions and chronology I recorded as they took place, when they were happening. They were written like entries in a journal. I wrote them to record events, not to entertain.
Some of the tenses have been changed to make the text more fluid. And I added clinical descriptions, or examples, of the psychological 'disorders' that are mentioned. If they're mentioned here they were introduced by a counselor, psychologist, or psychiatrist I was working with during the first two years. If they're mentioned here they were introduced to me by more than one mental health professional. They are not my amateur assessments. They are not my attempts at analysis. Everything suggested here can easily be confirmed with a little research.
Rehab created the distance I needed to separate what was mine from what was theirs. A substance abuse disorder was mine and I dug deep to address, and understand it. Narcissistic Personality Disorder wasn't. I learned that Danielle behaved like someone with Narcissistic Personality Disorder, and that it is the most common disorder in spouses of someone with a substance abuse issue. Narcissistic Personality Disorder isn't as simple as being a narcissist. It's far more complex and is characterized by manipulation, control, emotional abuse, and the intentional crafting of lies to turn a spouses support network against them when that spouse finally identifies, and rejects the manner in which they previously 'agreed' to relinquish control. Three independent mental health professionals assessed this disorder in Danielle. Each one based their assessments on the following:
- a minimum of 6 months of consistent counseling work with me
- historical accounts of my relationship dynamic with Danielle and her father and mother
- the daily and weekly encounters I had with Danielle during the course of counseling, many of which are referenced in the notes that follow
- interactions they had directly with Danielle, independent of me, when she went behind my back in an effort to get information she wasn't legally allowed to obtain
"Narcissistic Personality Disorder: One of the few conditions where the patient is left alone and everyone else is treated."
**These are the notes i made from the day of my arrest (November 15th) until the date of my first court appearance in front of the judge who made decisions about restraining orders, and custody, one year later. When I moved to Chico I found a printed copy in a box I brought with me. Unfortunately, the printed copy only addresses the first 10 months. The computer containing the original, and final two months, is long gone.
Writing this, and leaving it here, helped me. That doesn't mean it will help you. If you don't think you can read this and then cast it to the wind, to the past, then don't read it. It's not my intent to open old wounds so if it will, it's not worth it. We all found our way through things and kept our bonds in tact. It's more important to me you do that, rather than read this. I forgave myself for what I did. I found a way to maintain a safe distance from those who hurt me, and feel compassion for them. I tried to forgive, but couldn't. That's okay. I didn't need, or want, retribution. I was satisfied with that. Do what will be best for you. Give the love that you're not getting. Meet hostility with a non-threatening stability. Love yourself before you love others. Love where you are, and who you're with, and you'll never lack Love, at all.
________________________
PART 1/Year After My Arrest
November 2004
Danielle and I had agreed to recommit in a last effort to keep our family in tact three or four months prior to my arrest. She decided to move out initially after I demanded she spend more time at home and discontinue her secretive weekends a way with Glo, Malin, and Robin. It became obvious quite quickly that nothing had changed, and there were numerous reasons to suspect she was seeing another man. I later learned that man was Scott Braymer.
I asked her if my suspicions were true. She assured me she wasn't seeing anyone, told me I was 'paranoid' and 'crazy', and that she would be moving back in. Her re-engagement was never serious. Her only intention was to find away back home so we'd be on level ground when legal issues about who would stay in the house arose.
On the morning of my arrest I called Danielle's cell phone and left a message. I then tried her landline and got a factory loaded message stating no messages would be accepted. About half way through it clicked over to her outgoing message with your voices on it. Someone would have had to do that manually so I knew she was there. I called back ten minutes later and when no one answered I suspected she wasn't alone. She had told me the day before not to come by to pick you three up for school which was the routine. I made a third attempt with the same result.
I was exasperatted and in a panic. I fell for the same routine again. All I wanted was calm so I drove to Hayward where I found it in the form of cocaine. I started using it shortly after Danielle and I started dating again. I knew I'd created a situation that allowed her back in, and I knew that nothing had changed. I was terrified of divorce so cocaine became the only tool I had to help me 'cope'. As a stay at home dad I was completely dependent on Danielle. I wasn't confident enough to call her out so I chose oblivion instead.
When I returned to Aptos I went to Danielle's. Her car was gone and a construction crew was working in the front yard. I went to the door and knocked hard on the single pain window. I knocked again, harder, and the window pane broke. The construction crew was staring at me so I reached in and unlocked the door. Her bed was freshly made and her hamper was empty save for moist, stained bed sheets. A spermicidal sponge wrapper was in her bedroom trash can and a vibrator was in the bin outside. The three messages I had left were erased so I picked up her phone and called her. I told her where I was and what I'd seen and that she wouldn't be moving back in. I told her I was gonna go away for the weekend to think on things, and hung up. Before I left I wrote "Why all the lies?" and "Was it a good fuck?" on her wall. As I exited her house I was met by two cops, arrested, and taken away.
When I got to jail I contacted a bail bond woman and asked that she call my sister. She told me Susie refused my call but "she loved me and would be there for me". I called Mike and got the same response. I left a message on Karen Richmond's phone before working a deal with the bond lady that allowed me to post my own bail. When I was released I was told Danielle had secured a restraining order to keep me away for one week.
I met the bond lady in the waiting room and she told me Karen called to see if I needed a ride home. I accepted. Karen said Susie and Danielle had gone to the school and told her to stay away from me. They requested she stay out of 'family business'. The fact was there wasn't any "family business" because what I saw at Danielle's ended the family. She didn't tell Susie or Kevin or anyone that. She told them we were reuniting but my behavior was jeopardizing that possibility. She made my behavior look pretty bad by embellishing it with lies.
"Projection is a narcissist signature technique."
Karen agreed to hear what I had to say first, and when we met I told her what I'd done. Mike and Susie had rejected me, and Susie was trying to control who would, or wouldn't, be involved in helping me. She made that decision based on what Danielle told her, like I was having an affair with Karen Richmond (I wasn't), or that I had spent $50,000 of family money on drugs (I didn't), or that I was 'dangerous' (I wasn't). Karen said she believed in me and took me home.
In the six hours that I was detained Danielle had contacted every member of my family and told them a version of what had occured that was embellished, exagerrated, and untrue. She successfully cut me off from my own siblings, and Aunt. She'd obtained a restraining order that prevented me from contacting my sons. She fed rumors to our community. And she attempted to convince the one person assisting me to stop. She never felt threatened or endangered. My story would have cast doubt on her behavior. It would have challenged her claims of being the victim. She manipulated the people and circumstances around her to make sure what I had to say would never be heard. The only thing she failed to do was take back our home, but she tried. No one expected my release until Monday, so she failed. She did everything she could to eliminate my points of exit which would have kept her in control of me. With no place to go I'd have to go back to her, begging forgiveness, and giving away my power. I wouldn't. This time, I was done. I finally got a glimpse behind the curtain.
"When a narcissist has lost control over you, they try to control how others see you."
After Karen dropped me off I laid down on the couch because I was exhausted. At some point in the evening my brother Kevin came over. He sat with me for a while but we didn't talk. I was confused and scared and my efforts to reach out to Susie and Mike had already been rejected. I didn't know who to trust. The phone rang. It was Aaron. I asked if he'd heard what happened and he said 'yes'. I told him I couldn't talk to him, and that he shouldn't call, "because of the restraining order your mom has in place". When I say "your mom" Kevin shouts at me from the living room. "Hey!", as if to let me know I was out of bounds. When I hang up the phone I realize what's going on. Kevin came over uninvited and unannounced because he knew Aaron was going to call. He was sent over to moniter my behavior during the call which is why he yelled at me for mentioning your mom and the restraining order. Nobody told you there was one in place. They were fine letting you think I didn't want to see or speak to you. Danielle was breaking the restraining order when she allowed you to call. She didn't get it because she was afraid of me, like she was telling everybody. She got it so she could control what I said to you and when I could see you. She was afraid I'd tell you what I saw at her house, and she wouldn't be moving back in.
Kevin was in on it. I told him that wasn't the kind of help I needed. He stood up and glared at me, and said "Yeah, I think it is". He was getting confrontational so I asked him to leave. He refused so I yelled at him to get out. As he was walking through the garage I asked if he'd take Aaron's surfboard to him. Kevin said no because "I didn't want that kind of help," and left. Susie and Mike refused to speak with me. Kevin came over to make sure the boys weren't told about the restraining order, and why I couldn't see them. And not a single person, family or friend, had asked me what happened. No one had asked to hear my side of things because Danielle had already convinced them that her side was the only side.
It was clear to me that I'd be facing what was ahead of me alone. It's the first time in my life I tell my family I won't take orders from them, not with them working so closely with Danielle. I tell them when it comes to my problems I'm going to handle them my way, and if they're not willing to hear my story, or my needs, or my requests for help the way I need it, I'll have to do it alone. I call Kevin later in the week and ask for the number of a friend of his I wanted to talk to, and to see if I can use his condo in Tahoe. I told him Danielle wasted no time broadcasting what I'd done to the community, and it would be nice if I could be in the mountains for a couple days away from the scrutiny and judgment of Aptos. He refuses both requests. That was the last time I talked to him.
"Narcissists try to destroy your life with lies because theirs can be destroyed by the truth."
A day after Kevin's visit I noticed my brother Mike walking around to my backyard. I open the garage door and Susie, Kevin, Mike, and my aunt Donna are on the driveway. Mike tells me he wants the money from his mutual funds I invested for him, and the others start telling me what I'm going to do. They were telling me Danielle's plan again and no one asked about my side of the story. I shouted at them to leave and my aunt Donna says "you've got some problems, buddy." My problem is no one is interested in hearing about my experience and they're all soldiers for Danielle. This is the last time I see any of them for a year.
I talk to Karen Richmond on Tuesday, November 16th, and she tells me that Susie and Danielle confronted her at school, again, to tell her to stay out of "family business." Susie and Danielle want to dictate who I can ask for help, and how that help will look. They tell Karen they had a family meeting about what to do about me. They believe they're entitled to make the rules, and I have to follow them. Once again, no one bothered to talk to me. They decide what I deserve and how they're going to enforce it. My family has accepted what Danielle says as the only possible true account, and at this point I don't know what she's telling them.
When the restraining order expires at the end of seven days I call your mom. it's after Thanksgiving and I ask to speak to all of you. She says no so I get angry. I tell her she has no right to keep me away from you, and that I honored the conditions of the order. She tells me she went back to court and had it reinstated, this time for a month. A restraining order is meant to protect somebody from someone who's dangerous. I'm not dangerous. Danielle is using the order as a way to control my interactions with you, period.
"Narcissist's rewrite history to avoid accountability."
I finally have my court date for the arrest, and plead guilty to cocaine possession. The other charges are thrown out. My sister comes to court with Danielle. She offers no form of support to me. I stand alone. I'm sentenced to go to rehab and I'm told I have 30 days to find one. I had already enrolled in Mountain Vista farms in St Helena where I was scheduled to begin treatment December 6th.
December 2004
I go to Susie's house one night and I'm in tears. Darren brushes me off. Susie comes out and I say "Danielle is trying to take my kids from me." Susie says no she isn't. She would never do that.
On December 4th Susie leaves a note on my garage door saying that "Danielle has changed the restraining order" so I can see you before I go to rehab. I take the note to Susie's house and leave it on her garage door. I write that I wont do it because I think too much time has passed (3 weeks), and I'm already prepared emotionally to be away from you for another month. It was very difficult to be kept away from you guys, and I felt seeing you for half an hour the day before I leave will hurt more than it will help. I make the decision to go take care of my business. I'm assured that everyone wants me to get better, and I'll be able to see you when I get back because the restraining order was changed. I found out later it never was. It was Danielle controlling me, and the situation again. I'm sure Susie and Kevin have no idea Danielle has been lying to them.
When I get to rehab I throw myself into the program. I make the decision not to accept visitors or phone calls from anyone based on the way I was treated before I left. I have no idea who to trust. I wanted 28 days without interference so I could focus on my rehabilitation. Your mom called my counselor to see if she could bring you guys to visit me. It's a clear violation of the restraining order, again. I say 'no'. It was important to me to process my 28 days without her influence. Needless to say, I didn't trust her motives. I had a gut feeling that my using had something to do with family dysfunction, and I wanted to see how my life would be different without involvement from your mom, Susie, Mike, and Kevin.
When I first got to rehab I went through a number of evaluations with therapists, medical doctors, and psychologists. I was given a drug test on my third day because, as they put it, "I had a lot of energy". They thought I was still using. I told them I hadn't used since the day of my arrest 3 weeks prior. My test came back clean. I would have been kicked out if it hadn't.
They diagnosed no psychological problems, but they did say my natural energy bordered on manic. I asked if that was a problem and they said no, not if it didn't bother me. I said it didn't. I told them the cocaine actually mellowed the energy in me, and that was why it was my drug of choice. When my life started to spin out of control I reached for cocaine, or meth, because they calmed me down. They said that was quite common. It's like giving a kid with ADD Ritalin (which is a stimulant) to counter the mania. They said they could teach me ways to manage and redirect the energy without the drugs. No one in my family ever inquired about why I used what I used. They jumped to their own conclusions, and their conclusions were wrong.
In my first meeting with my individual counselor I told her about my upbringing, and the family dynamics as they existed in my present, daily life. She said I exhibited symptoms of a "battered wife". When I asked what she meant she said it appeared I was involved with a spouse who knew how to manipulate my low self-image, and low self-esteem to her advantage. She said that's why a battered wife doesn't leave a bad relationship, because the spouse knows how to convince the other person they'll be nothing without them. They become paralyzed in their fear and doubt. That was a major reason behind my using. It provided an escape when I didn't know how to leave. After a thorough evaluation of things that happened to me as a child it was apparent I set myself up for this kind of relationship. My counselor said I used the way I did out of desperation to get out of the situation I was in. She said I was either going to die, or end up where I was, getting help. It made sense to me.
While I was in rehab Mike and Kevin never even sent a card. Susie sent one wishing me a "peaceful Christmas" and telling me that they had decided at another 'family meeting' to place a note against the house to get Mike's money back. This was her only form of 'support'. When I got out of rehab I paid Mike all of his money. I never used it for anything but him, and only as he requested. No one ever apologized for the false accusations, or for being wrong.
I received your Christmas cards and a handwritten note from your mother informing me that she had decided to have Aidan moved out of Karen's class because she felt it was "in everyone's best interest".
Karen Richmond sent me cards almost everyday but I wouldn't let her visit. We talked on the phone about once a week. She was very supportive and her optimism and hope kept me buoyed through a very difficult time. I will always remain grateful for that.
When I was in rehab your mom sent me the same restraining order three times. It was always the same. My counselor said it appeared to be an effort to mess up my recovery. There was a hearing scheduled for December 9th that I was unable to attend due to being in rehab. Your mom didn't request that the date be changed so I could represent myself at the hearing. She successfully had the restraining order imposed for one full year, and she gained full legal and physical custody of you guys. I was prevented from having the opportunity to tell my story, again.
She also stopped supporting me financially, and moved into the house. I was left with no money, no personal belongings, and nowhere to live upon completing rehab. Again, my counselor looked at the timing of each act as an effort to sabotage me, never mind being completely inhumane. Your mom also called my individual counselor three times behind my back. My relationship with my counselor was confidential and Danielle knew that. Still, she continued to try to persuade her to share classified information. My counselor refused. This was the reality of the support I got while I was in rehab. It was also the first time a mental health professional suggested Danielle had Narcissistic Personality Disorder or Borderline Personality Disorder. They warned me to stay away from her.
After Danielle moved into the house she told Karen to stop picking my mail up for me, and that she would forward it to me. She never did. She went through my personal belongings, and returned some books and gfifts Karen gave me before I left for Rehab, as well as gifts she'd given to you. She put them in a trash bag and left them on Karen's car outside of school one morning. She put my things in trash bags, loaded my trailer, and took them to the dump. My clothes, books, and tools were all that remained.
Before I left rehab my counselor, and two others who had become familiar with my marital situation, recommended that I not return to Santa Cruz, and that I have no contact with my siblings or Danielle. They based this on my accounts, things they had witnessed, and the conversations my counselor had with your mother. I was told to expect their efforts to sabotage my recovery, albeit unconscious, to escalate. I had learned my role in the family dysfunction, and could see how the others needed me in my addiction. They needed it to make themselves feel better. This is why addiction is called a 'family disease'. It isn't that the chemical use causes the problems (obviously it adds to them), instead the act of addiction becomes the central piece necessary for everybody else's dysfunction. As long as there is an addict, or a scapegoat, no one else has to take responsibility for their behavior. Instead, they blame it on the chemical abuse. Without an addicted person to blame things on they're forced to look at, and be accountable for, their own behavior. That is why you witness so many weird and inexplicable efforts to sabotage the addicts recovery. The Addictive System needs an addict so everyone involved in the system can stay in the roles, and dysfunction, they have created for themselves. My my counselor said the reason the dysfunction remained with my family members was that when I left the system, Danielle stepped in to fill the void that I had left. She had brought her own dysfunction (from her family background) into the disfunction of my family. Those two parts fit together in a way that kept the dysfunction going, and the people who relied on the dysfunction, safe.
People will say, just as your mom and my siblings did, that they want you to get better, until they actually see you doing it. Then something clicks in them that is frightening without the addict, so they do everything they can to keep the addicted individual sick. I was assigned this role as a child in my primary family, and I chose it in my relationship with Danielle because it was what I knew. I also learned that the child, or adult, in The Addictive system who acts out, who has the symptomatic behavior of drug abuse, is the one who usually is aware of the truth behind the family dysfunction. The drug use becomes a dysfunctional, desperate way of bringing attention to the family in the hopes that someone will help. Not coincidentally, that is exactly what happened.
January 2005
My counselor recommended that after I left rehab I find a sober living environment to live in, enroll in an aftercare program, get a sponsor, and go to 90 meetings in 90 days. She directed me to Monterey where she had lived and worked. She knew that would keep me close to you guys, but far enough away from the people who could jeopardize my recovery. She also felt it would be a good fit for me. I did everything she said, and she was right.
When I got situated, I wrote your mom a note and told her that the only person who would have my phone number would be Karen Richmond (this will be relevant later), and to contact her in case of an emergency that involved any of you. She asked that I give my number to my aunt Donna instead. I refused.
When I was in rehab your mom sent me a document that said she had filed for a "legal separation". When I got out, I went to the courthouse and responded with a request for divorce. I knew I couldn't be in a healthy marital relationship with Danielle anymore, so I ended it. This is another example of Danielle manipulating things. She files for separation when we both know all that's left is divorce. She makes sure I'm the one who files for it. She makes me "the bad guy", and makes sure everyone knows it.
I wrote letters to my siblings telling them my account of what happened the day I was arrested, and what I had learned about myself and our family, and my relationship with Danielle. I asked them to consider what I was presenting, what I had done in rehab, and what I had chosen to do after rehab as it related to continued recovery, and I asked them to help me see you guys by talking to your mom, and having her make provisions in the restraining order so I could see, or communicate, with you. Not one of them responded.
Karen Richmond continued to support me in a very compassionate way. She came with me when I enrolled in aftercare. She came and met my new roommates. She talked with me about you guys, and told me how proud she was of my courage, and my effort.
On January 23rd, I went to Safe Connections to register for my supervised visitation with you guys. I was told that your mom was instructed at the December 9th hearing to register and fill out paperwork, and that the custodial parent is instructed to do this first. Jackie told me your mom had not been in yet, and that she would be notified that I had registered to see you, and that she would have 30 days to schedule my first meeting with you. Thirty days would have expired on February 19th, 2005. Your mom scheduled our first meeting for February 16th. She waited the entire month.
I talked to my lawyer to ask about getting spousal support from your mom after rehab. I had been a stay-at-home parent so I was entitled to it. Your mom had stopped paying me the money we agreed she pay me during our separation on November 1st, 2004. I wasn't given time to find a job, or support while I was expected to be doing it. Instead, Danielle claimed everything and left me with nothing. Literally.
I understood not paying while I was in rehab, but I never thought it was fair, or humane of her, to leave me without money for so long. Between November 1, 2004 and the day I wrote this on April 11th, 2005, Danielle had given me one payment of $2,500. She gave that to me on February 21st, and had me sign a document stating it would be taken against my share of the house. This was another sabotaging behavior. It was another attempt to maintain control over me in my life. It was a calculated maneuver to attempt to keep me from having the means to live an average life. She wanted me to fail, and did everything within her power to make that happen.
February 2005
I get a card from my brother Kevin just after my birthday. It is the only contact he has made since telling me to never call him again after I asked him if I could use his cabin. The card says "congrats on 60 days, you're in my thoughts, keep moving forward". I find it offensive since I haven't heard from him in 3 months and when I do he tells me to keep moving forward, like I still need to prove something to him before he will grant me compassion. He moved while I was in rehab, and the card he sent had no phone number or return address. He wasn't interested in consensual contact. I write on the note that he should do something more useful with the space in his head, and that after 3 months of no support when I was in dire need of it, I've decided to move on. Every single person that I lost during this time wanted to retain control over the way we related, and when I refused to grant that control, they left. All of my counselors told me it would most likely play out that way. All of my counselors were right.
At some point in February I see Mike at a gas station in Aptos. We talk, and he tells me he believes what I'm telling him about what happened. He tells me he's been confused because he doesn't know what to believe. He tells me I seem "very real". I sign the checks I sent him and he loans me $1,500. He tells me if I need more to call. Two days later I call and ask for a little more money and he tells me he's "tight". I point out that I went to the bank with him the other day and watched him deposit $7,000. I ask what is really going on and he tells me he talked to Susie, but it had nothing to do with his decision. He also tells me Susie is "really mad". I tell him I'm disappointed, but I understand. I tell him that based on the way he's seen Susie treat me when she's mad I understand why he doesn't want to get on her bad side.
I still wonder why Susie had a need to control things from the beginning. Going back to her refusal to help me on November 15th, her interfering with my friend Karen Richmond (who was good for me), her unwavering alliance with Danielle, and her influence on a decision Mike made without her consent. My guess is that she knew Danielle was fucking around and assisted in keeping it a secret. In any case, she was wrong about me and what actually happened from day one. No amount of rationalization will change that. She engaged in spreading lies about me, and actively participating in the attempt to render me a failure. Her capacity for detached evil is terrifying, and sad. And it was enacted based on a fictional narrative. She is the only person I've ever truly hated. I'm not proud of that, but I say it with a clear conscience.
On February 16th I see you guys for the first time. it is awkward for me, and I'm afraid. I can tell Aaron is confused and nervous and angry. He expresses his anger to me, and I'm proud of him. I encourage him to do it. He tells me "Susie is really mad". Susie's anger wins again. When I leave the visit I leave a message for Susie on her machine stating that she has no right to infect Aaron, or the others, with her anger. She calls Karen Richmond and tells her about the message, and says that I'm still blaming her for the anger in Aaron. I said she infected Aaron with anger. I didn't say she caused it. In my opinion, Susie should have used better judgment about where, and how, she vented her anger. It was directed at me. Exposing it to a 10-year-old boy who's already confused seemed irresponsible, and selfish.
In my opinion, she needed to keep it to herself until she could express it to me, or somewhere more constructive. Instead, she cut me off and spouted her anger in the presence of my children, like it was her right to do so. I wasn't allowed to utter a single word that wasn't pre-approved, but everyone else felt entitled to say whatever they wanted to say, whenever they wanted to say it. Very supportive. I got a better understanding of what my counselors meant when they said that the people around me had a need for the sickness to remain in place. The problem was I wasn't the 'sick one' anymore, and the people who relied on me being ill were coming apart in real time. It was ugly. It was poetic justice, if there is such a thing.
My visits with you continue and they go well. Jackie tells me she had apprehensions about how things would go with Aaron because he seemed reticent to see me after having not seen me for so long. She tells me she has never seen a transition so smooth, and so quick. She tells me she has worked with stay-at-home dads before, but she's never met one as present and aware of his kids as I am. Her observations will become the counter evidence to the statements Danielle has made to obtain her restraining order. Her observations will be what takes the restraining order down.
March 2005
On March 7th I send a letter to Darren informing him I have requested an investigation into the pest and damage report he facilitated, without my knowledge, for Danielle. The numbers in the report are used in Danielle's first offer to buy me out of the house. There is a quote for $8,500 to repair the back deck, and a quote for $1,560 to repair an area of about 6 square feet of dry rot in the hall bathroom. I point out in the letter that Darren has intimate knowledge of the house, and divorce proceedings, and he knows my name is still in the deed. I point out that he circumvented my approval, or involvement. I also point out that there is an area below the deck indicated in the report that is no longer there, and that it used to be a hot tub. I do the same calculations in the report based on my Landscaping experience. I call and get lumber quotes and come up with a figure of $3,500 to replace the deck, $5,000 less than Darren's quote. It's obvious the numbers were willfully inflated at my expense.
Mysteriously, a week after I send the letter to Darren I get a message from Susie on my home answering machine, the one nobody had the number to except Karen Richmond. She leaves an insincere message congratulating me on 90 days of sobriety before trying to convince me that my assumption about Darren is wrong. All I can think is that if I'm wrong, why did Danielle go to the trouble of entering Karen Richmond's house to get my phone number (more about this later)? I haven't heard from Susie since I was arrested, and one week after I simply inquire about Darren's business and personal ethics she calls me on a phone number that only Karen Richmond has. Karen assures me she didn't give it to her.
I talked to the head of the Real Estate Commission in Santa Cruz and he tells me my complaint went to a committee, and they decided it warranted the next phase, which was the penalty phase. I write Darren and tell him I dropped the complaint, but saved the paperwork Mister Tedesco sent me. It wasn't about winning. It was about letting people know they could no longer take advantage of me, or abuse me, the way they were accustomed to. It was me telling them this shit has come to its end.
They had been doing this to me my entire life, but I was unable to see it until I had a breakdown, and was removed from the system. They were able to abandon me as easily as they did because they never loved me. The minute they learned I would no longer agree to be used by them, they cut me loose. I was simply a tool they used to appease themselves because that's what I had agreed to be. I believed I deserved to be treated that way because my father convinced me I was useless, and a loser. Danielle used to tell me the same thing. it was that belief that allowed her to manipulate me the way she did. It was that shared belief of my siblings that allowed them to accept Danielle's story as holy truth. She played that belief in her attempt to render me helpless. That isolated, intended act was an act of evil. There is nothing else to call it. She was aware of what she was doing.
My mail stopped being forwarded to Karen's house where it had been forwarded since rehab. I set it up that way so Karen could screen any hate mail. When I go to the post office to reinstate the forwarding request the postmaster comes out with three pages of attempts to tamper with the forwarding. They were submitted by Danielle. One even requests that her mail be forwarded to Karen's house. Karen is now concerned for her safety. She consults an attorney and Sheriff. They both advise her to seek a restraining order against Danielle as her behavior is desperate and inexplicable. No one can figure out what she is up to, but they all know that people do odd things during divorces. Karen asks if I support her, and I tell her yes.
There was also evidence to suggest that Danielle had gone into Karen's house when she wasn't home to get the phone number Susie used to call me about the investigation into Darren. One day before Susie called me Karen mentioned that she went into work late. She says she passed Danielle who was driving toward Karen's house on Browns Valley Road. She said she wondered why she was out there. She also mentions that she saw Susie who was parked at the coffee shop at the corner of BrownsValley and Freedom Boulevard. She says that when she got home that afternoon her phone is missing. She finds it two days later in a laundry basket full of dirty clothes.
After Susie calls we put things together. Danielle didn't know Karen planned to go to work late that morning so she was seen driving to Karen's house. She knew how to get in because we had gone swimming there during the summer, and she knew where the Hide-A-Key was. Susie was stationed at the coffee house as a lookout to notify Danielle if Karen was coming home. Danielle went through Karen's phone and found my recorded number in the database, then gave it to Susie, who called me. That's the only explanation for how my phone number could have been obtained. Danielle denied it, and claimed to be a victim of the restraining order Karen had against her. And I'm the dangerous, unpredictable one.
I run into Kim Norris sometime at the end of March. I haven't seen her since my arrest and when she sees me she asks what happened to me. I tell her, and she tells me she asked Danielle and her friend Robin what was going on, she was told that "no one knows what happened to Patrick". She tells me that Robin told her "there are rumors that you and Patrick were having an affair". Kim points out to Robin that we were never alone together, and that we only did things when the kids played. Robin points out that during a visit to Big Sur that Robin, me, Kim, Danielle, Susie, and Malin went on, Kim put suntan lotion on my back. "That's what makes you think I had an affair with him?" she asked. Robin says yes. Probably not coincidental that shortly after this Danielle, Malin, and Robin were all divorced due to affairs they were having. Projection is a lovely thing.
Aaron calls me three times the week after Danielle was seen driving toward's Karen'sw house. I finally call my attorney and ask to have it stopped. The restraining order clearly states that I cannot respond even if he reaches out to me because he is named in the order. Danielle encourages, and allows him to call knowing that I can't respond, and could spend time in jail. If she's allowing him to call why not have the restraining order changed to reflect that? Once again, the restraining order is not in place because she is afraid of me. It's in place so she has complete control over me, and the situation. She's the only person in this situation who didn't lose something she didn't want to lose, or get rid of. She's the only person who didn't pay a significant price. Her behavior is textbook narcissist personality disorder behavior.
During one of Aaron's calls I ask if he understands why I can't talk to him and he tells me 'no'. I tell him there is a legal document that disallows any contact. He says he didn't know that. I ask if he thought I just took off and didn't want to see him, and he answers 'yes'. This is what Danielle wants him to believe. It's what her lies, manipulation, and control have programmed him to believe. Him, his brother's, my family, my friends, my community. She controlled the narrative and used that control to seed that belief in everyone who knew me before my arrest. And she did all of it preserve the false image of perfection and purity she so desperately needed the public to believe. She did it so she would be seen as the victim and people would build a wall around her and keep me out. Congratulations to you all. You convinced yourselves you acted with honor, integrity, and decency. The truth is you got played into participating in the worst act of evil anyone has ever enacted upon me. The truth is still the truth no matter who believes it.
It's obvious no one has been honest with my sons about what I've been doing while I was away, and that no one has told them about the restraining order, and how it's there to protect them five months after it was sought "temporarily'. No one will acknowledged that I have never breached the order, or that Danielle breaches it at will. They need to perpetuate the lie that I'm dangerous to continue justifying how I've been treated. if they don't, they have to own their behavior. They'd have to acknowledge how despicably they treated me.
April 2005
I asked my attorney to request that I be allowed to watch my kids play baseball, and have unsupervised time with them, as my supervised visits have gone exceedingly well. The supervisor even said to me that Danielle had expressed no concern about the children's welfare with me, and that I was "a great dad". She said this was noteworthy because it's not uncommon for there to be concern even in supervised visitation, if there is a genuine concern for harm. There isn't. There's a genuine concern that I will be allowed to tell the truth about what happened. There's a genuine concern that she'll lose control.
I also ask to be allowed to work in the kids classrooms, and to pick Aidan up from school each day so he won't have to go to daycare. I've been completely clean for five months. Danielle responds through her attorney and asks for all my recovery records (which I've already been giving), and a letter stating "why I need my children". I comply and am waiting to hear back, only I didn't write why I need my children, I write why they need me. I can't believe what I'm forced to be wrapped up in. I can't believe nobody has intervened for me, or my children. I can't believe everyone thinks this should, and allows it to be, continued. I have no choice but to continue this way until someone makes the effort to see, and speak up for me.
Monica Lafleur, Ethan's teacher, and Aaron's before, tells Karen she won't take Aidan into her class next year because she "doesn't want to deal with Danielle". I'm not the only one being hurt, or altered by Danielle's behavior. She knows this. She doesn't care. Another textbook characteristic of narcissistic personality disorder.
Karen calls me from school and tells me that Aidan said to her, out of the blue, that he and his brothers won't be taking swim lessons from her this summer. He says "my mom doesn't like you very much, and neither does Ethan, but Aaron does". All Karen Richmond has done is support my efforts in recovery, and my intention to be a part of my son's lives. I asked her once why she was helping me, and why she had so much faith in me. She said "because I've seen what kind of dad you are, and what kind of person you are, and I think you deserve a second chance. And your kids need you." The restraining order Karen applied for is granted by the courts immediately, and with emergency status.
I call my aunt Donna and Uncle Mike from a payphone in the Hind Quarter, which is the only phone next to Safe connections, where I do my visits with my sons. At my next visit to Safe Connections a police car pulls up behind my car as I'm preparing to leave. The officer asks if I'm a "contractor". I tell him no, and ask why. He says he got an "anonymous tip" that a contractor with a red Dodge truck has been getting drunk at the Hind Quarter and bragging about driving drunk". He tells me he was told the "contractor" usually leaves around 4:00 p.m. I recognize the cop. It's Kim Allen, a local bodybuilder who worked out at the same gym I went to in high school. We talk, and I tell him how far off he was. I tell him I'm sober. He tells me he had to get sober too. We shake hands as we leave, and he says, "Fortuitous running into you". I agree.
Anonymous tip, my ass. This is my guess about what went down. My Aunt Donna's phone 'Caller ID'd' the phone I used at Hind Quarter. She looked it up and saw it was a Bar/Restaurant and then, either alone, or with Susie, assumed I was drunk. Then, with no evidence or proof made an anonymous phone call to police, hoping I'd be arrested, or humiliated. These people made my life a living hell, abandoned me, and perpetuated the characterization they held of me to their friends. and community. They were wrong each time. None of them attempted an apology, ever. The truth is still the truth even if no one believes it. A lie is still a lie even if everyone believes it.
Karen calls me and tells me she's been approached by three teachers who said they heard rumors that she and I were romantically living together. I sent copies of my rental agreement, and a letter from my house manager to the school administrators to squash the rumors. I've told Danielle from the day I got out of rehab that I live in a sober living environment in Monterey. Even if I hadn't been, why would it matter? My family what's nothing to do with me, and Danielle and I are divorced.
May 2005
Danielle is served with Karen's restraining order . She tells the kids that Karen is "suing" her. Karen tells me Aidan is failing reading so I call my attorney and request that I be able to meet with him a few days a week at Valencia, after school. It's a "safe" setting and I want to help him. I've been doing supervised visits for 2 months and it's always gone well. In fact, Danielle has agreed to "try" to fit in another day, at my request. There's no concern of physical abuse, and no allegations or concerns. If Danielle refuses my request it's because she doesn't want me to reestablish my relationships with my sons. I wonder why she's so threatened by that. I wonder how she is able to do this to me.
Colin, one of Ethan's friends, asks Mrs Richmond why she is suing Ethan's mom. Why are parents telling their kids these things, and why aren't they telling the truth? Zack, the son of Robin (Danielle's best friend) is no longer allowed in Karen's room either. I see him one day and ask how he's doing. He tells me he's very confused, and then asked me to play catch with him.
I meet with my attorney and there is still no response to the requests I made two weeks ago to have more contact, more time with my kids. I ask my attorney to file a motion to sell the house because Danielle's most recent offer is still around $60,000 below the value. Her attorney keeps using the same numbers he's been told we won't accept. This is a difficult decision for me but I feel it's necessary. It will expedite my preparations to be with the boys again. I did everything I could to work with Danielle on a fair buyout. I was flexible, and patient (I've been five months without financial compensation as I write this). I feel I have no choice but to move forward.
Aaron asks me at visitation if I still use drugs. I tell him no, and that I'm 6 months sober. I ask why. He says, "Mom told me you're still using, and that you used a lot longer than you said." Funny that she did this. I have been providing hair follicle drug screening tests since the day I got out of rehab. They cover a 6-month period and I provide one every three months. She knows I'm not using. She knows I used for three months. My counselors said if I'd used the amount I was using for any longer than three months there was a high probability I'd be dead right now. I'm not dead so it's probable I'm telling the truth. Nothing bad I did was bad enough for her. It makes me feel like a failure, but that's her goal. I wish I could make her proud and be the baddest person who ever lived, and do the worst shit ever recorded in the history of Man. That way she wouldn't have to embellish the truth to make me look better in the eyes of her friends.
At a baseball game, I'm sitting under a tree eating cherries. Aidan is sitting with his mom and two women I don't know. Aidan jumps up and runs over to me. He sits in my lap and out of nowhere blurts, "Dad, you're chaotic and insane!" I wonder what Danielle and the ladies were discussing.
June 2005
I go to Valencia to see Aaron in the talent show. I sit with Aidan, Jared and Leif Norris, and Karen Richmond. About halfway through the show Aidan asks me if I was in jail. The question has no context. I tell him no, that I was arrested, but I've never been to jail. When I ask why he says 'mom says you were in jail'. I tell him again that I wasn't. He says, "Then why does she have that picture of you in the jail outfit?" I ask what outfit he's talking about, and what picture. He says, "You know, the one of you in the black and white stripes jail outfit." Sounds like Danielle has been on Photoshop. Do they even wear stripes in jail? I thought that was only in cartoons, or movies. I thought they were orange or gray or blue these days, like a sweatsuit, or hospital attire.
Aidan says at visitation, "Dad, you're getting married!" I look at Aaron, who is laughing, and ask where Aidan got that idea. Aaron says he doesn't know. Ethan says, "I do. Mom told us that." I tell him it's untrue, and that I don't even have a girlfriend. I tell them they're my focus. Ethan says, "Good, because I don't want two moms." Danielle may not be able to control my visitations with my sons, but she's found a way to disrupt them. It seems like every time I see them one of them blurts out some absurd comment. Something that has obviously been in their head for awhile, occupying focus, creating anxiety. Comments made by Danielle and planted in their heads. She knows exactly what she's doing, and the effect it has.
At a visit I ask Aaron if he's spending much time with his best friends Leif and Jared and he tells me no, but he'd like to. I asked if he told his mom that and he says, "Yes, but it's like talking to a brick wall. She only lets me play with the kids who are kids of her friends."
I go to Aaron's "End of the Year" beach day for all the students in the fourth grade. I arrive early, by myself, and set my blanket and chair down by the water, far from the picnic tables in the parking area. I don't mingle with the adults. When Aaron arrives with his friends they lay their towels around mine. We play baseball and football. At lunch time, Aaron brings me a hot dog, and I eat with him and his buddies. At about 2:00 p.m. Aidan goes over to Karen Richmond who is playing with three girls and sits on her lap. Out of the corner of my eye, I see Danielle walking vigorously toward Karen. She gets to Karen, reaches down with both hands, and aggressively yanks Aidan out of her lap. I see this and it makes me uncomfortable. It was witnessed by the kids and adults. I think about Aidan and how he was just publicly shamed, how he was given a clear message that who he chooses to care for, and hang out with, is unacceptable to his mom. I see Letty hug Danielle so I pack my stuff. I walk toward Aidan who's sitting in the sand by Danielle while she talks to Letty and Robin. I stop about 10 yards away and call Aidan over to me so I can tell him goodbye. I'm hugging him and when I look up I see Danielle walking hastily toward me. When she gets to me I stand up. She is visibly angry. I say, "Do you understand how doing that affects our children?" She gets in my face and says, "That woman damaged our family!" I say, "If you're going to accuse me of having an affair with her again, just stop. It never happened." She says, "No, she filed a restraining order against me and that damaged our family." I tell her all I know is that you got ahold of my phone number and had Aaron calling me while you had a restraining order prohibiting that. And all I know is Karen was the only one with my number. I say we have to be civil to each other around our kids, we're hurting them, and I tell her I'm eager to do that. I say when we're at a function together it would be nice if we could sit together so the kids can see that, not me over there alone, and you surrounded by your friends. Mary walks over and grabs Aidan by the hand and takes him away. It is obvious to anyone watching that Danielle and I are tense. I turn away and go back to my stuff and Danielle yells "You can't just walk away from me!" I don't respond. I stop and say goodbye to Aaron. and apologize for the way things are going. Aaron says, "This is like war, Dad." I tell him I know and that I'm sorry, and that I wish I could see him everyday. He asks me to stop crying. I ask if there are any of my behaviors I can change to make things easier, and he says no dad, I agree with the way you're handling things. My friends love you. Mom is an idiot. I tell him it's not important to me if he agrees or disagrees with me as long as he feels I conduct myself in a way that puts his interest first. He says he does, so I kiss him goodbye. On my way to my car I hear Aidan yelling "Dad! Dad!" behind me. I turn around and see him running toward me with Danielle hot on his heels. I yell "I love you" and turn toward my car. I hear him yell I love you too, then silence. I don't look back again.
I stop at a coffee place and get a cup of coffee for my drive back to Seaside. I see Karen drive by, so I flag her down. I ask if things settled down after I left. She tells me Danielle made other arrangements for the kids who traveled to the beach with her to get back to school, and then left with Aaron and Aidan. This was Aaron's last day with his buddies and she took him home early. I left hoping things would settle without me present as the focus of her anger. They didn't. The day was about Aaron and his friends and it started beautifully. Then Danielle made it about her. She yanked Aidan from Karen's lap and all of a sudden the focus shifted from the kids to Danielle the victim. She's gets hugged and surrounded by friends. Aaron and Aidan are embarrassed and restricted, and I'm forced to leave alone again, the bad guy, who caused all this. Narcissistic. Personality. Disorder. Look it up.
The San Jose Mercury article that I did about the program I was in, and my efforts to reunite with you comes out. I call at my assigned time to talk to you, and no one is there. This is the first time this has happened.
Father's Day. I request time alone with the boys and Danielle agrees to drop them off at the beach so we can be together. She denied my request for unsupervised time, so she will be there "observing" from a distance of 100 yards, as stated in the restraining order. She is maintaining the restraining order because of her "concerns for safety" when she is around me. When she gets to the beach she puts her chair next to mine. I note that she's a little less than a hundred yards away. She tells me she brought lunch, then ignores me and stays put. She isn't afraid of me. She's afraid I'm going to tell you guys the truth about what happened and what I found seven months after the fact. She's afraid I'll try to turn you guys against her, the way she's been trying to turn you against me. She's projecting her behavior on me because she's ashamed of it. Narcissistic. Personality. Disorder. Look it up. This is a textbook example.
I'm not allowed to be alone with you because of the restraining order Danielle has in place. It was granted by a judge according to her request after I was arrested, but she voluntarily sits with me. I've said all along it's a control issue because she has total control over my interactions with you, and a complete disregard for your needs and requests. The only person who is happy with the situation and wants it continued is the only person with the power to influence it. Until I have the opportunity to represent myself, in my own words, before a judge. That hasn't happened yet. All the judge has heard is what Danielle has told him.
As summer break begins, Danielle mentions that a babysitter is helping her with you guys. I remind her I'm available. She says, "I have this covered." Is it more important that things are "covered" or that your relationship with me is reestablished, and I'm allowed back into your lives? "Covering" things has never been the issue to me. Making sure you have a loving, attentive Father involved seems more important. She doesn't agree. I hope you understand what I'm saying. She went out of her way to destroy my relationship with you. She did it intentionally, willfully, and with malice. She knew the best way to hurt me was to restrict my relationship with you, and she wanted to hurt me more than she's ever hurt anyone, because I discovered she wasn't the perfect person she portrayed herself to be. NARCISSISTIC. PERSONALITY. DISORDER. You owe it to yourselves to look it up.
I call at my normal time (7:15) but there's no answer even though she said you had band practice at 7:00 p.m. at her house.
I call again on another night at my normal time (7:15) and Aidan answers. He tells me his brothers are spending the night at friends. I haven't spoken to Aaron or Ethan on a phone visitation since the article came out on Saturday. This is Danielle's way of punishing me. I ask Aidan how Renaissance Camp is and he tells me he isn't going to camp, he's in summer school. He's five, for God's sake. Danielle is making every decision about their lives and never shares them with me. I ask Aidan if he's looking forward to a night alone with his mother. He says no. I go to a meeting and when I get home there's a message that Aidan called at 8:00 p.m. He's at home with his mom. He's never called me before. Danielle doesn't tell me when the boys won't be home at call times so I can call when they are. She doesn't encourage them to call me. And not a single member of my family has agreed to intervene when I've asked. Did they think that by making things difficult I'd get discouraged, and go away? Did they think I'd accept a limited role in the lives of my sons, or agree to the inhumanity of the terms they'd given me? I can't believe these people (my wife, my sister, my brothers) are doing this to me. I can't understand it. It's unjustifiable. It is truly, despicably evil.
We have a visit with Jackie and I ask Ethan who is invited to his birthday party. He says, "I don't know. You're the only one I want there." Jackie overhears the conversation and when she takes the boys out to Danielle at the end of our visit she relays the conversation to her. I didn't ask Jackie to do this, nor did I know it was her intent. When she returns she says to me "Good news. I talked to Danielle and she doesn't mind if you come to the party on Saturday." I call my attorney and ask that an amendment be drawn to the restraining order. What is noteworthy about this to me is Ethan told me three weeks ago that when his mom asked where he wanted his party he said "somewhere dad can be." Danielle never mentioned the party, or invited me. In fact, she scheduled it at her house knowing that would be unaccommodating to me. me. Anyway, I'm going.
Karen Richmond calls me and says that Danielle has written a letter to the Personnel director of Pajaro Valley Schools asking that Karen receive a letter of reprimand in her file based on her comments in the Mercury article. Danielle also demands that Karen stay away from Aaron, Ethan, and Aidan next year at school or she will "demand" that Karen be transferred.
I visit Aaron and Ethan at Junior guards from 10:00 to 1:00. I go on their morning jog, and watch them play dodgeball against the Sea Cliff guards. Three of the lifeguards thank me for participating.
***This is where the notes end 10 months after my arrest. There are two more events I remember, however. The first involves a request I had made shortly after Father's Day to have you guys come to my house on a Friday night for dinner, and a movie. I had just moved into the house by the Yacht Harbor, and Danielle agreed to drop you off and come back later to pick you up. I think she agreed to four hours. She brought you over, parked in front of the house, and stayed there the entire time. She even brought a pillow. I don't know why she did it, but my guess is she thought I would invite Karen Richmond, and she wanted to be sure she wasn't allowed in. It was the first time in almost a year that I would be alone with you. I wasn't willing to share that with anyone, not even Karen Richmond.
The second event was my first appearance in court to represent myself before the judge who had granted Danielle everything she had asked for. In fact, it was one year since her first restraining order, and she showed up with her lawyer demanding it be upheld for another one. She wanted to keep us apart. Jackie had been talking to the judge about my interactions with you, and what she perceived my character to be. The judge shut Danielle's request down, and admonished what she had done. The first time the judge met me in person he saw I wasn't what Danielle claimed me to be and through the restraining order out. He knew it was a farce. Danielle was able to keep it in place because she controlled the narrative, and with it the perceptions of others.
Thank you for hearing my story.
PART 2/Beneath the Surface
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