P9: 'B' List

I lived a modest life.  It wasn't a goal of mine to do so, nor was it the product of a carefully considered plan.  I chose to live modestly after a series of circumstances and events left me traumatized and exhausted.  I became acutely aware of the increased psychological and emotional expenditures that accompany the material items we acquire, and I no longer had energy for them.  So I adopted a simple, modest way of living.

There were still places I wanted to visit and things I wanted to own.  There were experiences I wished I could have had, and adventures I wanted to embark upon.  But each one had a psychic price tag.  Each one required an emotional investment, and my resources were greatly diminished by what I was forced to survive.

I didn't feel robbed of anything or angry about what I'd been denied.  My life felt like it played out the way it was supposed to given my experiences, and personality traits.

I didn't have a Bucket List while I was alive.  Living modestly comes with inherent restrictions so it never made sense to list things I knew I'd never have, or pursue.  Instead, I cultivated acceptance and remained grateful for what I did have.

My "Bucket List", this one, came well after I'd let go of any illusions I may have had to fulfill it were gone.  It came from deliberate reflection.  It came from joy.  It came from the splendid curiosity that inspires one to wonder, or perhaps even know, who they would have become if they'd been able to take action.

In no particular order, my Bucket List contains the following:

1. Own an older model Ford 150 truck.
2. Live in a yurt in the mountains.
3. Learn a Native American spiritual practice.
4. Learn to carve stone.
5. Get a dog.
6. Spend a couple weeks with my sons in a mountain cabin with no plans, no agenda, no goals.
7. Write a memoir.
8. Drive back roads across America.
9. Attend Burning Man.
10. Visit my Father's hometown, Aurora, Ohio.
11. Live in Big Sur.
12. Spend a year doing intensive trauma therapy.
13. Study Jungian psychology.
14. Attend an activity centered retreat with my sons (writing, pottery, wood carving, totem making, etc).
15. Become a Death Doula.
16. Visit New England in the Fall.
17. Learn jewelry making.
18. Attend the Aspen Film Festival.
19. Kill something with my bare hands 👐 (totally kidding).
20. Live in a monastery for awhile.
21. Do an authentic vision quest.
22. Fly in an F-16 fighter jet.
23. Write a single Haiku poem that sums up my life.
24. See a concert at Red Rocks Amphitheater, Colorado.
25. Visit Amsterdam and have sex with lots of mature you-know-whats.
26. Spend a winter alone in a cabin in the Sierra mountains.
27. Receive one, single apology from someone who knowingly hurt me. Just one.
28. Ride a motorcycle down the coast from Canada to Mexico staying in low budget motels and eating/drinking in dive bars.
29. Do my own 'Free Hugs' campaign.
30. Grow dreadlocks.