This blog reflects my perspective of the world. To help provide insight as to how that perspective was shaped you need a basic understanding of me. This page is an attempt to explain who I saw when looking through my eyes, at me.
I am, and always have been, a flawed human being. I'm not embarrassed by that, nor am I apologetic. Being the "type B" personality that I was excused me from the accompanying anxiety of even the laziest pursuit of perfection. Perhaps more importantly it confirmed the futility of pursuing a notion of perfection manufactured and idealized by the mind. It taught me to see how I am, and always was, perfect. The pursuit of perfection must become the pursuit of self-acceptance. You must acknowledge that everything about you is required for the totality of who you are, who you were created to be. Elimination, and change, aren't the objectives. Acceptance is, and acceptance is only possible where imperfections are found. I was in my mid-fifties when I finally, and genuinely, learned that. And learning that was imperative to my being able to find happiness, and gratitude despite having fewer things, and less money, than I'd ever had.
One of the things I was most proud of about who I was was my ability to willingly admit my imperfections to the world. I survived what I survived because I understood I had nothing to be ashamed of.
When I was called out for using drugs or having alleged affairs or being idealistic or mismanaging money or this thing or that, I admitted to what I had done if I did them. I knew I would address what needed addressing. I knew I had the courage to enter what needed entering in order to understand my behavior, and forgive myself. It didn't matter if others wouldn't. I new the person I had to be right with was me, and I knew I was the only person who mattered. What others thought, or believed about me, was irrelevant, so I learned the liberating art of letting go.
Beliefs are by nature uncertain, and if you have some about me, that's cool. Keep them, and I'll keep what I know. I know you can use drugs and still live a life of integrity. I know you can fail at marriage and still be an honorable person. I know that sustaining a 14-year relationship that produced three pure and beautiful souls, a relationship that was for the most part good, isn't a failure, no matter how it ends. I know it's never one person's fault, exclusively. It just isn't. Ever. I know you can be decent despite having done some pretty indecent shit. My best friend in college used to say, "Pat, even if you win the rat race, you're still a rat." Deal with it.
I got to the place I got with myself, which is a place of self-love and acceptance, after having my ass kicked by the world, after long periods of arrogance and ego, after intolerance and conceit. I got to where I wanted to get when I took a hard look at what I could change in me, and what I couldn't, and decided it didn't matter if the rest of the world rejects me. I decided no matter what, I wouldn't. I became whole when I embraced everything about me. I hope you do that, too. There is no place you need to get to before you announce your beauty. You just are, already. You've always been. You don't need to prove anything to anyone. You don't have to earn the love you deserve, and are entitled to. If someone tells you otherwise, kick them.
The best experience in my life was one I didn't expect, or arrange. I was given the gift and privilege of watching three beautiful boys become three, even more beautiful men. I would never have known the depth of feeling I was so grateful to know if I didn't get to be your Dad. As silly as this may sound to you, you showed me how to look inside myself. You convinced me to explore my personal beliefs about God. You took uncertainty and fear from my life because when I went looking, I found him. I'm alone as much as I am because I'm not. I was able to grow into the person I'd always hoped I'd become because no matter what was taken from me, or lost, I was never allowed to feel empty. All I can say is I don't know how I did that because I didn't.
I've been so incredibly blessed.
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Some articles from my playing days at Aptos High:
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