8. 20 Year Sentence

I was cleaning my trailer and came across some writing two decades old.  I'd forgotten what it was like to be that way, to feel the things I was feeling.  I guess I've changed a bit more than I thought.  I like that.  The words that follow were in a box for twenty years.  Today they are set free.

________________________________________

 I'm sitting in my car waiting for Aaron to finish gymnastics when Ethan (who's on the roof) says, "Hey Dad! It's a bird circus!" I put down the newspaper I'm reading and step outside to see.  He points to two birds perched on top of the Cyclone Fence that separates parking lots.  

One is on top of the other. Its got its claws dug into the back of the bottom one and they're flapping their wings with fury. The one on the bottom has a relentless grip on the fence to insure they don't fall off.  It's obviously two birds bird fucking, but to Ethan it's a circus.  To him it's a daredevil balancing act, one bird on top of the other, like the acrobats he's seen on TV. And they're performing just for him. 

When they're done they fly off in different directions.  All I saw was what I've seen before.  It's two birds having sex.  To be candid it wasn't even good sex.  The one on the bottom didn't really seem into it.  It's a reminder of my own love life. 

I dig the difference in the way Ethan and I see things. He was oblivious to the desperation and violence in the act.  Not me.  I saw one bird use the other for a moment of selfish satisfaction. Or maybe I projected that from my unsatisfactory life. Who knows?   Maybe they just had dinner together and couldn't wait to get back to the nest so they stopped here for a quickie. Anyhow, it was just sex to me.  Sex is never a circus when I do it.  Sometimes it isn't even sex, just the habitual motion.

Once again one of my sons is playing Father to me.  Ethan reminded me to wake up to the world. He's demanding that I be present.  He invites me to see the simplicity of things.  He and his brothers see a circus or a carnival or a parade in something or someone every day.  He sees the world the way he wants it to be.  Lately, I see the world as everything it will never be or hasn't been for me, ever.  What the fuck is that about?  I need to look harder than I have been.  I need to remind myself to pay attention.  I need to find the circus Ethan sees.

___________________________________

I took the boys to look at the waves today.  Aaron is the only one who surfs.  The waves were bigger than any wave he had surfed before. We stood there on the cliff and watched them stack up, one after another, before crashing against the seawall below. 

He asked if he could paddle out. I told him 'no' because I had to watch his brothers and couldn't go with him. We watched a few more sets roll in before Aaron pleads with me to get in the water.  Again, I told him 'no'.  

He walked away and sat in the car for a while.  This boy is 11.  Eventually he returns to my side but this time he didn't ask.  "Dad", he said, "I need to do this."  The word 'need' catches my attention so I ask why and he gives me an honest answer.  He told me he didn't know. I studied the waves a minute longer then asked if he was sure.  He nodded.  I told him to get his wetsuit on. 

He grabbed his board then disappeared on the path worn into the side of the cliff and paddled out between sets.  When he passed the breaking surf he turned around and positioned himself in the lineup.  Then without hesitation he caught a wave. 

He descended down the face and was knocked off his board. When he surfaced he was in the impact zone.  He grabbed his board and paddled out again where he rested before trying to catch another.  On the next attempt he made the drop and slid across the face of the wave with his arms outstretched like a bird.  He rode it in to shore then walked up the beach where he stood still before taking his leash off. He gathers himself before walking back to the car.

He'd done what he wanted to do.  Whatever he needed to know about himself he'd learned.  I was glad I gave into his persistence.  I was aware that it was my fear that nearly negated his education.  

This child isn't mine.  

My job is to pay attention to where he is on his journey so when he tells me he's ready for what's next I believe him.  I don't know what's right for him or his brothers but Aaron shedded a part of himself in the ocean that day, something he no longer needed or had outgrown.  I was almost in the way of that. 

As he walked past me I asked how it was and he said it was great.  It was great, dad.  He got out of his wetsuit and climbed into the seat behind me.  We were both a little different than when we'd arrived.  As I start to back up I look in the rearview mirror where Aaron's eyes are waiting for me.  All he says is thank you. 

Thanks Dad for trusting me when I told you I was ready.  Thanks Dad. . . thanks.   

  ___________________________________

The first time I saw my sons after being arrested for cocaine possession and entering my ex-wife's home and writing "Why all the lies?" and "Was it a good fuck?" on her bedroom wall after discovering she'd been sleeping with Scott Braymer the entire time we'd been dating in preparation for her to move back home and try being a married couple again was under the supervision of a court appointed liaison.  

 

My ex made an appointment to see a judge when I was unable to represent myself while in rehab and convinced him I was dangerous.  My kids were taken from me and a one year restraining order was granted based exclusively on my ex-wife's depiction of me as deranged drug addict.  Nevermind me telling her I was going to go away for a weekend and her move in date was not going to happen now that I knew the truth.

If I were to call or write my sons I'd be arrested and put in jail so I didn't.  I followed the rules I was given and registered for supervised visits when I left rehab.  My ex waited as long as the law allowed to file her papers which made it three full months before I saw them again.  I reached out to my sister and brothers for help and was ignored.

On the day of our first meeting I arrived early and was told by the liason I couldn't mention the restraining order.  She also told me not to be too emotional and that I shouldn't have any expectations.  The boys have been through a lot she said and may not be ready to let me back in.

Three things happened in that initial meeting that I'll carry with me to my death.  First, all three of my sons said they'd been told no one knew what happened to me and I'd "just left".  Second, when the meeting was over the liaison told me she'd never seen such a quick re-engagement as the one she had just witnessed.  And third, I could see that Aidan was broken.  If I have a major regret in my life it's the part I played in contributing to that.

When he entered the room he was subdued.  He came over to where I was sitting and sat down next to me.  His feet dangled above the floor and he clasped his hands in his lap beneath his bowed head.  After a moment of silence he looked up at me and softly said, "I miss you."  My heart shattered and was lost beneath a surge of rage.  I couldn't do a thing to change what others were saying.  I couldn't participate in his life despite pleading that I be allowed to.  All I could do was say I missed him too, and that I was sorry.  I'm sorry that I failed to protect the innocence that had been taken from his life.  When it's gone you can't get it back.  Son, I'm so so sorry for what I've done.  I'm so sorry for letting you down.  It hurts so fucking much.

It's not all on me, I know that.  But my behavior set this nightmare in motion.  I created a scenario that provided the opportunity to be deemed irrelevant and that's tragic because I was the only one who would have said no to the agenda that was being enforced.  I'm not the only person to have had an issue with drugs.  Hell, every member of my family has.  But for whatever reason the people I had always stood by decided they wouldn't stand by me.  I was told I was on my own with this one.  I was told I was expected to fail.

I try not to think about how different things could and should have gone.  I try not to be resentful for the deliberate choice that was made to withhold support.  I try to forgive those who so effortlessly denied the truth.  But I can't.  I will never be able to see Aidan without seeing him as that little boy sitting next to me, missing me, even after what I had broken.  He is, and always has been, angelic in his decency.  The deepest pain I've ever felt is the pain of feeling I've failed him.

7. Missing Pieces

 The physical description of the four-legged "Androgynous" who rocked both male and female sex organs came from the deep-thinking Plato.  His description offered an image of what he believed the original Human form looked like. There was no 'male' or 'female'. Instead, each person was a composite of both genders.  He gives the dictate "Go fuck yourself" real possibilities.

According to Plato, Zeus and his pals had grown tired of Human pride.  So Zeus entered the bullpen, got his arm loose, and spent the afternoon throwing lightning bolts at the people below until he had split each one in half.  Where there had been one self-contained individual, there were now two separate pieces: A man and a woman. 

Plato, being a romantic, said these split beings offered proof that each of us has a soul mate. He said we spend our lives looking for our other half attempting to mend the incomplete nature of our souls.  Zeus split each human in half to reprimand humanity's arrogance and, in doing so, he doubled the number of humans paying tribute to the Gods. Point Zeuss. The split humans were in such misery they refused to eat. When you refuse to eat long enough you die, and that's what started happening to the half-humans.  Apollo was brought in to fix things.

Apollo began sewing people up and reconstituting their bodies. The navel, it's believed, is the only remnant harkening back to the original form we once had. From then on, each human had only one type of genitalia and forever longed for their other half. People longed for the missing part of the soul. 

According to Plato, when you find it you know, like how a dog needs one single sniff of another dog's anus to identify who is their friend or foe. When the two halves find one another there is an unspoken, immediate understanding.  Both individuals feel whole again and lay with each other in unity and joy. They make the sweaty grunt sex dance together.

I'm pretty sure I was hit with more than one of Zeus's lightning bolts.  In fact, I think I was nailed again just last week.  It took 51 years for me to arrive at rock bottom, to tear my soul into confetti.  No wonder no one sees me.  No wonder my soul mate is still out there, all alone.  I haven't been very good at living.  I worry it's too late to get better.  If you're reading this it obviously is.

'Getting real' may be an impossible process, but I'm trying.  It certainly isn't consistent or predictable, and it's definitely not complete. I'd need a partner who could stomach that if I were to find one. I'd need a partner who would engage in the process with me. It's easier to convince myself I don't need a partner than maintain the hope that I actually may have one. 

To quote Rob Thomas and his Matchbox 20 bandmates, "Can anyone tell me what was ever really special about me all this time?"  I used to know with certainty.  I'm not so sure anymore.  Or I never really have been and only recently learned to admit it.  It's one or the other.  I don't know.

I wish I'd been courageous enough to love the women I wanted to love rather than those I thought I was expected to love.  Or the ones people around me would accept.  Or those that loved me first, so it was easy to just hop on board. I did a disservice to them, and myself. I apologize for that.  I wasn't able to embrace who I am back then the way I'm able to now.  And I don't have the energy or desire to search for what I let slip away.  If I have a missing half she'll have to find me.  I'm not saddened by that. It's not something I see as tragic. It's the challenge of a Human Life.  Not everyone learns what they need to learn to grasp key moments as they occur.  Some of us learn those lessons years after the moment passes.  That's the nature of life.  I accept it.  I accept it and troll middle age women online.  Swipe right.   

I hope each of you sees yourself as loveable.  I hope you know that you're genuinely loving.  I hope you take the time to reflect on how you want to express love and the form it must take before it's received.  I hope you will be courageous and vulnerable.  Take risks.  Tell the truth.  Don't demand something from someone who isn't capable of giving it.  Learn to fill the voids in you by filling the void for another.  Make the effort to find love if it hasn't found you.

I hope you learn it's okay to feel lonely and that it's possible to never feel lonely at all.  I hope you learn to cultivate self-love with the same rigor you employ when seeking a partner to make love.  I hope you love freely and generously and with no expectation of return.  Just love.

Love the one you're with.

What is Love?

Where is the love?

Love the way you lie.

Turn up the love.

All you need is love.

Love is the answer.

6. Sized Up, Down, Over, Under, Backwards, Forwards, & Sideways Again and to Death

 I did a bad thing during a very challenging and uncertain period in my life, so I was deemed a bad person by the people in my life at the time.  I was deemed so bad, in fact, that they voted unanimously to abandon me, and they did.  There's bad, and there's really bad, and then there's me thrown in a dumpster, and wheeled to the curb bad.  That's me, according to them.

I was deemed so much badder than bad no one from the broader community pulled me out to see if I'd been put there by mistake.  Evidently, they knew I wasn't.  They talked to enough people to know that's exactly where a philandering, narcissistic, asset hiding, child abandoning, wife abusing, pathological liar drug addict, belongs.  In a dumpster.  Like trash.

Those were just some of the labels I was tagged with by blood relatives, friends, and a few strangers who never spoke a word to me but still felt it was their duty to size me up.  Many of them hold the same opinions today.  I exhausted myself trying to find someone to hear my story, or look at the chronology of specific people and events that matter-of-factly proved the things being said about me to be untrue.  I never did.  There's a reason I couldn't muster the will to go to community, or family gatherings back then like I did. It's the same reason I live three hours North of Santa Cruz.  It's why I live with a herd of horses instead of people.

Eventually, that kind of shit wears you down until you subject yourself to every psychological test ever written just to prove to yourself they're wrong.  They were.  They are.  They always have been.  Still, they convinced themselves they knew better.  What follows are some results of tests I took,  or was given.   I'm actually quite normal.  Nothing to see here people.  Keep moving.  Carry on.  Get back to your lives now.  He's obviously had enough.  

Better fucking believe I have.  

Better fucking believe it.

*Meyers-Briggs Test/INFP (shared with 4% of the population)* 

*PTSD Test*  

"Your level of PTSD (post-traumatic stress) symptoms is above average. This level of symptoms may have a strong impact on a person`s everyday tasks, especially if they are related to intellectual work. When symptoms of PTSD are in this range, it may also greatly affect well-being and mood. You can feel distant or cut off from other people, feel angry outbursts, or acting aggressively. When symptoms of PTSD are in this range we strongly recommend that you consult a doctor or mental health professional immediately for correct diagnosis."

*Narcissistic Personality Test* 

Your narcissistic personality inventory results: Your score is 2 out of 40.  Higher scores indicate greater levels of narcissism.  An average person is more narcissistic than you for 33.25%.

*Oxford Happiness Questionnaire*

You Scored 5.14\6.  Very Happy: Being happy has benefits beyond simply feeling good. It's correlated with advantages in health, with better marriages, and with a attaining your goals. A basis of happiness allows you to broaden, and build toward greater success.

*Empathy Test*

You have an average level of empathy. People with an average level of empathy development evaluate other people by their actions, and not just by emotions and impressions of communication. We can say that their feelings are under control. However, they will come to the rescue, console, and support when needed. But they will not over sympathize and let the emotions of the other go through them. This is a normal human reaction that protects the body from overload. An average level of empathy means that you are quite capable of understanding the feelings of another person. Still, you will not always focus your attention only solely on these thoughts. Such people can comfort and provide timely support while not especially plunging into other people`s problems.

Rational channel of empathy.  You scored 83% which is in the high range.  Indicates the degree of attention to any other person`s personality: their well-being, deeds, and problems. This is an inherent fascination with the experiences of the speaker.

Emotional channel of empathy.  You scored 50% which is in the average range.  It is the ability to catch the same sensual "wave" with another person, to worry and help. In this case, emotional sensitivity turns into a means of "entering" the person`s energy field. Participation and experience serve as a connecting link and mediator between partners.

Intuitive channel of empathy.  You scored 83% which is in the high range.  This is about a person`s talent to notice partners` behavior, to operate in circumstances of an insufficient amount of fair information about them, based on the subconscious`s experience. With the intuitive channel`s help, a judgmental impression of a partner, based on intuition, creates, and not on logic or stereotypes.

Attitudes that promote empathy.  You scored 100% which is in the high range.  Attitudes that promote empathy, respectively, soften or aggravate the impact of all empathic channels. The effectiveness of compassion decreases when a person tries to get away from personal contacts, considers it inappropriate to be curious about another individual, and is impartial about others` feelings and problems. On the opposite, different channels of empathy function more dynamically when there are no obstacles from personality attitudes.

Penetrability in empathy.  Penetrability is an essential human trait that allows one to create an atmosphere of openness, sincerity, and mutual trust. Due to our behavior and disposition towards partners, any of either provokes or not verbal and emotional exchange. The pacification of a partner contributes to empathy. At the same time, the tense atmosphere of artificiality and distrust prevents disclosure and empathic comprehension.

*Are You A Loner? Test*

*Temperament Type Test*

(phlegmatic temperament) Everyone loves phlegmatic people. They are calm, peaceful and restrained people. They have a low voice and their movements are soft. Phlegmatic individuals never interrupt the interlocutor, moreover, they know how to listen attentively, and they even nod showing their understanding.
Phlegmatics have the most stable type of nervous system. Phlegmatic people are characterized by the balance and ability to cope with any stress. They have a very low emotional level, which is important in the crazy rhythm of modern life.

What is a Phlegmatic Temperament?

Phlegmatic is a slow and laconic person. Phlegmatic individuals absorb new information for a long time. And besides, they need more time to think when they make a decision. However, phlegmatic have a reliable memory that won't let them down. If phlegmatic remembers something, he or she will never forget it.
The same with decisions. Firstly, a phlegmatic needs to analyze all the pros and cons. Subsequently, phlegmatic individuals will make a decision that will be well-thought-out, balanced, and risk-free. They will not withdraw from the decision, show perseverance and stubbornness.

Phlegmatic Key Traits

It is worth repeating that they are very peaceful or, at least, too passive to come into conflict. But it does not mean that they obey all the requirements of others. Regarding persistence, phlegmatic people surpass other temperament representatives. Phlegmatic won't argue and quarrel, they just silently continue doing their job. It might seem that phlegmatic people are easily annoyed. But they are not
A little smug and awkward phlegmatic can change almost beyond recognition in a moment. They know how to stand up for themselves. Phlegmatic don't worry about anything in a stressful situation. They maintain self-control and a clear mind. Actually, under extreme stress, such people can slow down, and generally refuse to communicate.

Friendships and Relations

The phlegmatic keep a low profile with others. In some ways, they are even prudent. They don't have a big need for communication, their social circle is rather limited. Meanwhile, phlegmatic are reliable friends and partners. Typically, phlegmatic have only one friend for the whole life. Usually, their friends are childhood friends.

*Psychological Archetype Test*

*Spirit Animal Test*

The turtle totem wisdom teaches us about walking our path in peace and sticking to it with determination, and serenity. Slow moving on earth, yet also incredibly fast and agile in water, those who have the turtle as totem or spirit animal may be encouraged to take a break in their busy lives and look around or within themselves for more grounded, long-lasting solutions. Traditionally, the turtle is symbolic of the way of peace, whether it’s inviting us to cultivate peace of mind or a peaceful relationship with our environment.

The turtle symbolism is characterized by the association with the Earth and earth symbols of groundedness, and patience. Here is what that means:

The turtle totem is the symbol of the world, of the Earth. It represents the ability to stay grounded, even in moments of disturbances and chaos. I think we can agree we witnessed those abilities when he was getting his ass handed to him when the Universe was administering would I like to refer to as the Mother of all Beatings. It's about slowing down, and pacing yourself, and determination, and persistence. And its represented by emotional strength, and understanding. People with the turtle totem are believed to have knowledge of ancient wisdom. The turtle is also linked to the spirit of the water and the fluid nature of emotions.

The turtle totem symbolizes our peaceful walk on this earth. It represents the path we take as we embark on our journey through life. In contrast to emotional or spiritual development occurring in bursts, the way of the turtle anchors our personal unfolding in a slow, more grounded series of steps and longer cycles of transformation.

The turtle is associated with our physical and embodied evolution on the earthly plane. Call this spirit animal for help to be more grounded. You can also get help slowing down and pacing yourself, so you can take your next step with more confidence.

*Adult ADHD Test*

*Bipolar Mania Test*

*Battered/Emotionally Abused Spouse Test*

*Emotional Intelligence Test*

5. Dear My Main Man Vlad

The world is kind of fucked up at the moment.  It's the most fucked up I've ever seen it, and I grew up in the Seventies.  That's saying something.  The moment we're presently in is the first one where people and events look similar to a doomsday prepper show you'd see on the History Channel.  Things are unpredictable and chaotic.  People are full of distrust and generalized anger.  Institutions are being viewed with skepticism rather than reverence.  And the societal norms of respect, acceptance, and tolerance have been abandoned for self-centeredness and entitlement.  The covid 19 pandemic, Vladimir Putin, and the disaster known as Donald J Trump and his brain-dead herd of moronic idiots known as "MAGA" collided, and the world is no longer recognizable.

It's stunning and shocking to see how much stupidity there is among us.  The MAGA hoard is primarily composed of uneducated individuals with very little exposure to perspectives or experiences outside of the sheltered fear that makes up their own.  They're a bunch of myopic 8-year-olds who speak before thinking and impulsively buy all the guns.  Even though they are the minority it's their values that drive the country.  A comedic Armaggedon that isn't funny.  It's akin to a bunch of really bad parents giving their tweens the keys to the car and forcing the rest of us to go for the ride. What the fuck is happening here?  Seriously.  What the fuck is going on?  You know the moppet's gonna crash.

The only silver lining I see is that scientists and intellectuals can stop giving speeches about the top ten ways life will end.  It's pretty obvious it will be the result of Human behavior. It's possible my generation or the one right behind it is writing the last chapter of this Human race.  Leave it to us to have such a historical impact on Mankind that we eliminate the possibility of Mankind knowing it was Us in the process.

Let's give 'Team Human' the shout-out we deserve.  We're the most idiotic herd of short-sighted morons to worship progress since a bunch of Lemmings sprinted over a cliff to avoid the shame of being "different".  Despite having the largest brain in the animal kingdom, opposable thumbs, and self-awareness we haven't pulled away from the pack.  So. . .  Human. Lemming. Llama.  Mosquito. Head Lice.  Or MAGA moron. it doesn't matter.  We all meet the same end at the same time and leave with the same amount of nothing.  When this cosplay of made-up differences is over we all weigh the same.  Twenty-one grams each.  So who gives a shit about the state of the world?  

I do.

 
Kind of.

You see, it's not the "contemporary collective consciousness of impending doom, death is upon us, an existential crisis" that has me bummed.  It's the palpable loss of hope in a glass-half-full bunch of hopefuls.  That bothers me.

It's the disappointing discovery that decency and empathy are not universal human traits, because they should be.  Why make it a choice?  Unless you want concrete proof that everyone claiming to have learned something about being Human actually did.

It's the sobering realization that your fears were never really conquered, just distracted while you got on with living, which is pretty huge.  So forget that one.   

It's the inability or decision not to look beyond Ego into the lie we all tell ourselves about being individuals.  We're not.  Not entirely.  It's a scientific fact that we're all connected by the same fabric.  What I do unto others I also do unto me.  Literally.

It's the hoarding of wealth by those who have more money than they could spend in a hundred lifetimes. 

It's our willingness to pledge allegiance to statements we know to be false so we can rationalize what we've obtained if we're lucky enough to obtain anything.  Statements like "All men are created equal and",  "We are an equal opportunity employer and," "if you can dream it you can achieve it".

It's the ease with which most people look away from suffering and convince themselves that whatever they may be able to do wouldn't help anyway, so they can live without doing anything at all.

The truth is part of me wishes Biden would tell Putin to fuck off and then launch every missile we have at his shiny Russian forehead.  I'm sick of insecure fearful little men holding the human race hostage with empty threats.  A few nuclear warheads and some mushroom clouds might be just the wake-up call we need.  In fact...

"Dear My Main Man Vlad,

We're just lemmings stampeding toward an unavoidable cliff. Whether you flip the switch and launch nukes or I do is irrelevant.  All we change is the timing.  I'm sick of your shit.  I'm sick of seeing you topless on horseback or karate chopping little kids.  So guess what?  I don't fear death.  You do. You're terrified of that inevitable transition and I know it.  It's the reason you do all the shit you do. You actually think you can control it.  So my diminutive Russianhalf-size little man, fuck you. Our birds are in the air and have been for ten minutes.   You're gonna be a waft of steam and vapor in three..two..one. BOOM Mutha Fucker!  Vlad gone now.  Vlad go bye-bye.  Vlad go poof.

Sincerely,

President  Joseph Robin Edward "I Call Bullshit" Biden

XXOO