I spend a lot of time alone. I like my own company so it doesn't bother me. I have depth. There are occasions, however, when I wish I wasn't. There are times when what I want most is to be with one, or all three of you. When those times occur I miss you like a part of me is missing. I wish I was able to be spontaneous, jump in a car, and come visit. There isn't much I long for in life, but I long for that sometimes.
If there's a silver lining to the limits of my lifestyle it would be found in what I long for, exactly. I'm not haunted by trips we never took, or places we didn't get a chance to share, or events we never attended. What I long for are the simple moments. I long for what I have an abundance of. I long for moments like those I collected and cataloged from the childhoods you had. Moments like those spent lounging in front of the television at the end of an otherwise busy day. Moments spent on a beach at sunset because too many moments had been spent indoors that day. Moments when you were absorbed in an activity or conversation, and didn't know I was observing you. Moments you were unaware of me commiting you to memory.
If I'm haunted by anything it would be the moments I didn't have the opportunity to collect as each of you became Men. I know that's part of the agreement I made when I chose to become a parent. I know I'm not permitted to go where you are going. I had no expectation that I would be. I know that place is meant for you to enter without me, and I want it to be your own. What I didn't know is how hard it would be to honor that agreement when I made it. I didn't know you'd surpass what I hoped for you to become. I didn't know you'd exceed the limits I was fortunate to reach in my own wanderings. I didn't know how deep love goes when it's born from wonder, and marvel.
The things I long for are tempered by the gratitude I feel for what has been shared. I don't have regrets. I don't feel cheated. I don't think life has been unfair. I feel blessed beyond what I deserve. I feel a sense of fulfilment despite not having any evidence of fulfilling a thing. I am overwhelmed by what I've been allowed to see, and experience. When I'm in a period of longing for what's not present my heart expands to the point of bursting. It fills with everything meaningful. It fills with the moments I cherish. It fills with the moments that make me long for more.
