Some final thoughts before I have any reason to believe they're actually final, or that I'm already in the place people hold you before you fade away for good, and are forgotten. In no particular order of importance or depth, here they are....
Sitting still requires more self-awareness than 'keeping busy'. It's a lot harder, too. One is a direct confrontation with an honest accountability, the other is done to avoid it.
What we desire often greatly exceeds what we actually need. As long as your basic needs are met there is very little usefulness to being anxious or worried. Both of those psychological states are generally toxic, and unnecessary. Both are more closely associated with what we have in excess than to what we are without once our basic needs are securely met. And both are entirely optional.
What I had or didn't have says nothing about who I was. It doesn't define my character, or measure my abilities or ambitions. It doesn't rank my status in community, or with others. It simply states an inconsequential fact.
Declarations like 'He didn't have a car' aren't viable supporting arguments for the way others may, or may not have judged me. Nor are they evidence that prove one person's opinion of another is right, or that another's is wrong. The same holds true for declarations about whether “He was in a relationship or not”, how much or how little money I had in the bank, the number of Facebook friends I had or denied, how many Christmas cards I received each year, how many contacts I amassed in my phone, or how many people attended, or avoided, my funeral. The only people wanting those things to be the best way for others to define me are the people who seek to do so.
The things that say the most about me are things I did when I was alone. Things I did when I was well beyond the limit of those casting a critical gaze. I purposely kept those things close and quiet after witnessing the way my tribe misrepresented, or mischaracterized, what I did for all to see. Things I thought should be kept confidential by people I trusted, and expected, to be a realm of safety for me. People that were family.
The actual things that say the most about me are things I did for, and kept to, myself. Things that were ‘the right thing to do’, and things unsolicited but obviously needed. Things that brought profound joy or sadness depending upon why they were done, and for whom. Things I learned to do for myself when it became obvious no one would do them for me. The things that say the most about me are what I learned to do for myself after a lifetime of thinking they were only deserved by others.
Things like offering reassurance, or granting forgiveness. Things like standing up for myself, or by my side, when others said I didn't deserve that. Simple things like showing up so I'd know I wasn't alone in the world. I purposely kept those things close and quiet because they weren't done for anyone who might be watching. I did them for me, and keeping them to myself was how I preserved their power. Keeping them to myself meant keeping them from my family and their insatiable need to diminish, or discount them.
Just because you're unable to see the love in someone’s life doesn’t mean it isn’t there. It may mean they knew if you saw it you'd attempt to destroy it. Just because you see the material items accrued by one as a stark measure of what another believes is lacking doesn't mean anything is. It simply indicates the process of the observer's growth isn't yet complete. The value of anything has no relation to what that thing cost. The true value of anything we may have, or want, is in its ability to simplify the laborious tasks distracting from the psychological growth essential to the manifestation of an authentic spirit. Doing those things was important to me so I tried doing them on a daily basis. I didn't do them perfectly so I did most of them out of sight. I didn't allow Danielle or my family to observe them because they'd shown an unwillingness, or inability, to understand what they were observing.
The actual things that say the most about me are things I only needed to say to myself. The entire world can share a perception of you and claim because it's unanimous, it's right. The only perception that matters, however, is my own because I did the things required for it to find focus. I was both the Healer and the Healed. I was guided by both types, as well. I think I provided a similar guidance to others. I believe my life has gone full circle. I have faith it has gone the way it was meant to...
