I didn't know it at the time, but the end of my marriage would result in the end of Thanksgiving. And Christmas. And the Fourth of July. The end of my marriage was also the end of all major holidays as I'd previously known them. This wasn't a universal result experienced by every member of my family. This result was exclusive just to me. I didn't anticipate spending all future holidays in solitude, just me by myself, all alone. But in retrospect (and to be fair), I should have.
There's no one to blame for this circumstance. Its not any one person's fault. Well, not really. If it was the fault of anyone it would be my fault. It would be my fault, and mine alone. You see, I initiated a slow and gradual concession when the boys were young. And that concession unknowingly layed the groundwork for where I stand today. I'll explain.
I didn't like the standard practice of the 'every other' theory inherent in modern divorce, so I considered this when my divorce was young. Those considerations led to the implementation of my concession , and the reasons for it. I believed divorce should have its most profound effect on the ones who chose it, rather than the ones who didn't, wherever possible. And I knew the 'holiday' I would provide wouldn't compete with what a holiday would be at their mother's. I started to present an option to the boys based on these conclusions.
I knew what they would lean into when I presented the choice and they confirmed my belief when they chose to spend holidays at their mothers. There were things there that I couldn't offer, necessary things to the formation of any sound, emerging identity. Things like family, and community, and abundance. Things like consistency, and tradition. I offered them a choice because I knew they'd never make one on their own. They wouldn't make that choice if they thought it might hurt me, so I made it for them. I knew it would hurt. It did. But that's part of being a parent. I also knew I'd survive. And I did. I've been a survivor my entire life.
I don't regret giving my sons a choice. I've never second guessed my decision. I can see the joy my sons have during holidays, and providing a model that brings them joy has been my objective since they were born. Sometimes providing something is acknowledging that you can't and identifying who can, instead. I'm proud of my ability to do that.
The problem is that things change, and things have changed for me. I'm older now. The boys are now young men. The gratitude I feel is aimed at things I didn't think about as a new father who was grateful mostly for that. I don't know how many Thanksgiving or Christmases I have left, so each one I spend alone where my phone doesn't ring, I wonder if that one was it. I'm sad it's likely to end that way.
I'm a survivor. I've been a survivor my entire life. There are others who know that too. As a result, survivors like me aren't seen as a priority when deciding who one has time to call, or to visit. Survivors like me work hard not to need basic needs that would destroy someone else if those needs were to go commonly unmet. We learn how to do this through necessity, not by choice.
I'm as strong today as I've ever been, perhaps I'm even stronger. I'm proud of my strength. I went through a lot to build and earn it. I'm also inescapably human. Others may forget that when you spend so much of your time trying to prove to them that you're not.
It never bothered me that my phone didn't ring on Thanksgiving or on Christmas. It didn't bother me because it meant my son's knew that I was fine. Now when no one calls on those days I wonder if I may have taken things too far. I wonder if there is anyone on Earth who associates a thought of me with the fond nostalgia most holidays leave us saturated in. I wonder if anyone will feel a loss when I'm gone, or if loss was the expectation I cultivated? I wonder if any of this will matter in the end, at all.
We make the choices we make because those choices need to be made. We do the things we do because those things need to get done. And we are learning all the while. The truth is Christmas and Thanksgiving and the 4th of July are days like any other, and all of our days end up in a pile. What we do with those days doesn't have anything to do with the date on a calendar, or a tradition.
If you miss someone tell them you miss them, no matter what time or day it is.
If you love someone you should say it without any regard for what might be said back.
If your needs are unmet ask someone to meet them and if they can't go meet them for somebody else.
It's not the problems we face in life that matter, it's the solutions we find for them.
Happy Thanksgiving, boys. I'm grateful for being allowed to participate in your lives. I'm grateful you were part of mine.
Merry Christmas, boys. I hope you fill your own homes with the communal warmth and love you found at your mother's, and in the process, spread even more.
And God Bless the USA.
