This blog is here because someday I won't be, and there are things to be said before that day arrives. They need to be said to my sons. It's important to me that I say them because my greatest fear is leaving them wondering what they meant to me, and where they are held in my heart. If my life was reduced to nothing more than my interactions with them I'd consider it to have been full, even expansive. What I feel for them often overflows and is too big to carry. I've been a very lucky man.
This blog isn't meant to be read, or found, by acquaintances or strangers. It hasn't been promoted or shared. This blog has two simple objectives. The first is to be a place that holds the Love I feel and the gratitude I have because I knew you. The second is to provide some insight into the why and how of who I became. It's meant to show what made me tick and drove me forward. I"m odd and frustratingly complex. I know that and I'm sorry. I often wished I was more simple, more bland, more average. But I wasn't. I'm not.
What I say here I say to you, boys, just you, and I say it from the way down deep of my heart.
This is not a recycled rant about who did what to who, or who was more right than wrong in the world, although there is a little bit of that. It's not about who deserved what and who didn't. Nor is it a soliloquy to the past. This is more important, more layered. Or, to be candid, maybe its not. This blog is about the way a slow flowing river determines the shape of every stone beneath it. It's about how we often don't see a pane of glass until it shatters. It's about the impossibility of anyone saying everything they wanted to say before they fade into gone. It's about what I think must be said even if it shouldn't be, or doesn't. It's about how no matter what we say or how often we say it we're still likely to feel we haven't said enough. It's about how wonderful it is to experrience Life, and to feel every tangled, nuanced emotion we're feeling. It's about how we come to understand what truly matter when all we have left is the letting go.
There isn't a precise explanation for the origins or purpose of this space, but if I had to explain it I'd say this. Its part apology, and part regret. Also sorrow, and guilt. It's a recognition of all we wound in the world, and an acknowledgement of what we heal. It's an elegy for everything that's been lost or taken, and a celebration of the resolve that inspires us to fill the vacant spaces. It's a big 'fuck you' to the Universe for the ways we feel cheated, and a drop to your knees racked with sobs expression of humility for the unexpected, profound gratitude we feel. It's wonder. It's disbelief. It's finally admitting your shit was never as together as you pretended it was, or hoped it would be. It's about how trying to find your way is a waste of time. There is no wrong direction to take, only those you prefer, and those you want desperately to avoid. It's about how life's lessons come as contradictory equations. Like if you're wanting to eliminate what feels empty in you, and you're wanting to feel filled up, you're probably gonna lose a bit more. You're going to know what it really means to learn how to let something go.
If I had to explain what this blog is about I'd only need one word.
It's Love.
It's about what I learned from you. Each one of you, equally. What I learned most was how to give, and accept, real Love.
I learned that when you love someone as much as I love you, it grows. It grows when I see you. It grows when you move further away, the way you're meant to, to take your place in the world. It grows all the time, and it grows no matter what. It grows too large to contain, and it grows until you burst. Love isn't what I thought it was in the beginning.
It's not a form of currency to seek desperately, or cautiously give away. It's our purpose, and we can transcend it. You are love. I am love. We all are. We are love, embodied, and we transcend it by giving it away to everyone, all at once. To be with you ,whether it was alone or together, was to be in the presence of Love. There was no better time than the time I had, iust me, and the three of you. Those were the times that, to me, Life felt perfect, and I felt whole. I won't ever forget that feeling.
Still, I'm aware these words may amount to nothing, and that its quite likely the only thing that must be said in the end is "Thank you". I'm sure I haven't, or didn't, say it enough. So. . . .
Thank you for being the best part of my life, and for repairing what my own Father left broken.
Thank you for the openness and kindness you showed me and share with the world.
Thank you for the abundance of laughter, and for tears shed mostly in joy.
Thank you for entering my life and changing it in the best way it could be changed.
Thank you for allowing me to participate in yours.
Thank you for the patience you've shown me, and for the judgement you didn't.
Thank you for EVERYTHING you are or were or do or did.
I'm so proud of each of you for the principled and kind men you've become..
I'm so proud to be your Father.
I hope I did some things to make you proud of me on occasion.
If I have a legacy to leave behind what's left of me is in you.
Thank You, my three, incredible, beautiful, sons. Thank you...
To be clear then, there is no theme or structure here, no single intention everything leads to, or explains. In fact, it's quite random. Whatever I choose to include here will reflect the mood, or state of mind I'm in at the moment. That's what kinda motivated me to do this. I thought it would be a fun way to preserve some of the basic, ordinary stuff we often wish people had left behind. I'm leaving this for you. You, all three of you, are the greatest accomplishment of my life. I am in awe of each of you, and the young men you've become. You filled me with love. I'll be forever grateful for being a part of your life, and having you in mine. I Love You and I know you loved me. I wish there were words to express how much you meant to me or how it felt to be your Father. I'll hold you in my heart. I'll take you wherever it is I'm going. My God, you are amazing. My God. Now live the rest of your life with joy. Live with wonder and with courage. Live without apology. LIVE...
I Love You With Every Fiber In Me.
What a beautiful, baffling, nonsensical mystery Life is.
Seriously. How the fuck did we get here?
And with that,
I'm gone.
-Dad
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