11. Moments

 

I spend a lot of time alone.  I like my own company so it doesn't bother me.  I have depth.  There are occasions, however, when I wish I wasn't.  There are times when what I want most is to be with one, or all three of you.  When those times occur I miss you like a part of me is missing.  I wish I was able to be spontaneous, jump in a car, and come visit.  There isn't much I long for in life, but I long for that sometimes.

If there's a silver lining to the limits of my lifestyle it would be found in what I long for, exactly.  I'm not haunted by trips we never took, or places we didn't get a chance to share, or events we never attended.  What I long for are the simple moments.  I long for what I have an abundance of. I long for moments like those I collected and cataloged from the childhoods you had.  Moments like those spent lounging in front of the television at the end of an otherwise busy day.  Moments spent on a beach at sunset because too many moments had been spent indoors that day.  Moments when you were absorbed in an activity or conversation, and didn't know I was observing you.  Moments you were unaware of me commiting you to memory.  

If I'm haunted by anything it would be the moments I didn't have the opportunity to collect as each of you became Men.  I know that's part of the agreement I made when I chose to become a parent.  I know I'm not permitted to go where you are going.  I had no expectation that I would be. I know that place is meant for you to enter without me, and I want it to be your own.  What I didn't know is how hard it would be to honor that agreement when I made it.  I didn't know you'd surpass what I hoped for you to become.  I didn't know you'd exceed the limits I was fortunate to reach in my own wanderings.  I didn't know how deep love goes when it's born from wonder, and marvel.

The things I long for are tempered by the gratitude I feel for what has been shared.  I don't have regrets.  I don't feel cheated.  I don't think life has been unfair.  I feel blessed beyond what I deserve.  I feel a sense of fulfilment despite not having any evidence of fulfilling a thing.  I am overwhelmed by what I've been allowed to see, and experience.  When I'm in a period of longing for what's not present my heart expands to the point of bursting.  It fills with everything meaningful.  It fills with the moments I cherish.  It fills with the moments that make me long for more.