6. Sized Up, Down, Over, Under, Backwards, Forwards, & Sideways Again and to Death

 I did a bad thing during a very challenging and uncertain period in my life, so I was deemed a bad person by the people in my life at the time.  I was deemed so bad, in fact, that they voted unanimously to abandon me, and they did.  There's bad, and there's really bad, and then there's me thrown in a dumpster, and wheeled to the curb bad.  That's me, according to them.

I was deemed so much badder than bad no one from the broader community pulled me out to see if I'd been put there by mistake.  Evidently, they knew I wasn't.  They talked to enough people to know that's exactly where a philandering, narcissistic, asset hiding, child abandoning, wife abusing, pathological liar drug addict, belongs.  In a dumpster.  Like trash.

Those were just some of the labels I was tagged with by blood relatives, friends, and a few strangers who never spoke a word to me but still felt it was their duty to size me up.  Many of them hold the same opinions today.  I exhausted myself trying to find someone to hear my story, or look at the chronology of specific people and events that matter-of-factly proved the things being said about me to be untrue.  I never did.  There's a reason I couldn't muster the will to go to community, or family gatherings back then like I did. It's the same reason I live three hours North of Santa Cruz.  It's why I live with a herd of horses instead of people.

Eventually, that kind of shit wears you down until you subject yourself to every psychological test ever written just to prove to yourself they're wrong.  They were.  They are.  They always have been.  Still, they convinced themselves they knew better.  What follows are some results of tests I took,  or was given.   I'm actually quite normal.  Nothing to see here people.  Keep moving.  Carry on.  Get back to your lives now.  He's obviously had enough.  

Better fucking believe I have.  

Better fucking believe it.

*Meyers-Briggs Test/INFP (shared with 4% of the population)* 

*PTSD Test*  

"Your level of PTSD (post-traumatic stress) symptoms is above average. This level of symptoms may have a strong impact on a person`s everyday tasks, especially if they are related to intellectual work. When symptoms of PTSD are in this range, it may also greatly affect well-being and mood. You can feel distant or cut off from other people, feel angry outbursts, or acting aggressively. When symptoms of PTSD are in this range we strongly recommend that you consult a doctor or mental health professional immediately for correct diagnosis."

*Narcissistic Personality Test* 

Your narcissistic personality inventory results: Your score is 2 out of 40.  Higher scores indicate greater levels of narcissism.  An average person is more narcissistic than you for 33.25%.

*Oxford Happiness Questionnaire*

You Scored 5.14\6.  Very Happy: Being happy has benefits beyond simply feeling good. It's correlated with advantages in health, with better marriages, and with a attaining your goals. A basis of happiness allows you to broaden, and build toward greater success.

*Empathy Test*

You have an average level of empathy. People with an average level of empathy development evaluate other people by their actions, and not just by emotions and impressions of communication. We can say that their feelings are under control. However, they will come to the rescue, console, and support when needed. But they will not over sympathize and let the emotions of the other go through them. This is a normal human reaction that protects the body from overload. An average level of empathy means that you are quite capable of understanding the feelings of another person. Still, you will not always focus your attention only solely on these thoughts. Such people can comfort and provide timely support while not especially plunging into other people`s problems.

Rational channel of empathy.  You scored 83% which is in the high range.  Indicates the degree of attention to any other person`s personality: their well-being, deeds, and problems. This is an inherent fascination with the experiences of the speaker.

Emotional channel of empathy.  You scored 50% which is in the average range.  It is the ability to catch the same sensual "wave" with another person, to worry and help. In this case, emotional sensitivity turns into a means of "entering" the person`s energy field. Participation and experience serve as a connecting link and mediator between partners.

Intuitive channel of empathy.  You scored 83% which is in the high range.  This is about a person`s talent to notice partners` behavior, to operate in circumstances of an insufficient amount of fair information about them, based on the subconscious`s experience. With the intuitive channel`s help, a judgmental impression of a partner, based on intuition, creates, and not on logic or stereotypes.

Attitudes that promote empathy.  You scored 100% which is in the high range.  Attitudes that promote empathy, respectively, soften or aggravate the impact of all empathic channels. The effectiveness of compassion decreases when a person tries to get away from personal contacts, considers it inappropriate to be curious about another individual, and is impartial about others` feelings and problems. On the opposite, different channels of empathy function more dynamically when there are no obstacles from personality attitudes.

Penetrability in empathy.  Penetrability is an essential human trait that allows one to create an atmosphere of openness, sincerity, and mutual trust. Due to our behavior and disposition towards partners, any of either provokes or not verbal and emotional exchange. The pacification of a partner contributes to empathy. At the same time, the tense atmosphere of artificiality and distrust prevents disclosure and empathic comprehension.

*Are You A Loner? Test*

*Temperament Type Test*

(phlegmatic temperament) Everyone loves phlegmatic people. They are calm, peaceful and restrained people. They have a low voice and their movements are soft. Phlegmatic individuals never interrupt the interlocutor, moreover, they know how to listen attentively, and they even nod showing their understanding.
Phlegmatics have the most stable type of nervous system. Phlegmatic people are characterized by the balance and ability to cope with any stress. They have a very low emotional level, which is important in the crazy rhythm of modern life.

What is a Phlegmatic Temperament?

Phlegmatic is a slow and laconic person. Phlegmatic individuals absorb new information for a long time. And besides, they need more time to think when they make a decision. However, phlegmatic have a reliable memory that won't let them down. If phlegmatic remembers something, he or she will never forget it.
The same with decisions. Firstly, a phlegmatic needs to analyze all the pros and cons. Subsequently, phlegmatic individuals will make a decision that will be well-thought-out, balanced, and risk-free. They will not withdraw from the decision, show perseverance and stubbornness.

Phlegmatic Key Traits

It is worth repeating that they are very peaceful or, at least, too passive to come into conflict. But it does not mean that they obey all the requirements of others. Regarding persistence, phlegmatic people surpass other temperament representatives. Phlegmatic won't argue and quarrel, they just silently continue doing their job. It might seem that phlegmatic people are easily annoyed. But they are not
A little smug and awkward phlegmatic can change almost beyond recognition in a moment. They know how to stand up for themselves. Phlegmatic don't worry about anything in a stressful situation. They maintain self-control and a clear mind. Actually, under extreme stress, such people can slow down, and generally refuse to communicate.

Friendships and Relations

The phlegmatic keep a low profile with others. In some ways, they are even prudent. They don't have a big need for communication, their social circle is rather limited. Meanwhile, phlegmatic are reliable friends and partners. Typically, phlegmatic have only one friend for the whole life. Usually, their friends are childhood friends.

*Psychological Archetype Test*

*Spirit Animal Test*

The turtle totem wisdom teaches us about walking our path in peace and sticking to it with determination, and serenity. Slow moving on earth, yet also incredibly fast and agile in water, those who have the turtle as totem or spirit animal may be encouraged to take a break in their busy lives and look around or within themselves for more grounded, long-lasting solutions. Traditionally, the turtle is symbolic of the way of peace, whether it’s inviting us to cultivate peace of mind or a peaceful relationship with our environment.

The turtle symbolism is characterized by the association with the Earth and earth symbols of groundedness, and patience. Here is what that means:

The turtle totem is the symbol of the world, of the Earth. It represents the ability to stay grounded, even in moments of disturbances and chaos. I think we can agree we witnessed those abilities when he was getting his ass handed to him when the Universe was administering would I like to refer to as the Mother of all Beatings. It's about slowing down, and pacing yourself, and determination, and persistence. And its represented by emotional strength, and understanding. People with the turtle totem are believed to have knowledge of ancient wisdom. The turtle is also linked to the spirit of the water and the fluid nature of emotions.

The turtle totem symbolizes our peaceful walk on this earth. It represents the path we take as we embark on our journey through life. In contrast to emotional or spiritual development occurring in bursts, the way of the turtle anchors our personal unfolding in a slow, more grounded series of steps and longer cycles of transformation.

The turtle is associated with our physical and embodied evolution on the earthly plane. Call this spirit animal for help to be more grounded. You can also get help slowing down and pacing yourself, so you can take your next step with more confidence.

*Adult ADHD Test*

*Bipolar Mania Test*

*Battered/Emotionally Abused Spouse Test*

*Emotional Intelligence Test*