7. Missing Pieces

 The physical description of the four-legged "Androgynous" who rocked both male and female sex organs came from the deep-thinking Plato.  His description offered an image of what he believed the original Human form looked like. There was no 'male' or 'female'. Instead, each person was a composite of both genders.  He gives the dictate "Go fuck yourself" real possibilities.

According to Plato, Zeus and his pals had grown tired of Human pride.  So Zeus entered the bullpen, got his arm loose, and spent the afternoon throwing lightning bolts at the people below until he had split each one in half.  Where there had been one self-contained individual, there were now two separate pieces: A man and a woman. 

Plato, being a romantic, said these split beings offered proof that each of us has a soul mate. He said we spend our lives looking for our other half attempting to mend the incomplete nature of our souls.  Zeus split each human in half to reprimand humanity's arrogance and, in doing so, he doubled the number of humans paying tribute to the Gods. Point Zeuss. The split humans were in such misery they refused to eat. When you refuse to eat long enough you die, and that's what started happening to the half-humans.  Apollo was brought in to fix things.

Apollo began sewing people up and reconstituting their bodies. The navel, it's believed, is the only remnant harkening back to the original form we once had. From then on, each human had only one type of genitalia and forever longed for their other half. People longed for the missing part of the soul. 

According to Plato, when you find it you know, like how a dog needs one single sniff of another dog's anus to identify who is their friend or foe. When the two halves find one another there is an unspoken, immediate understanding.  Both individuals feel whole again and lay with each other in unity and joy. They make the sweaty grunt sex dance together.

I'm pretty sure I was hit with more than one of Zeus's lightning bolts.  In fact, I think I was nailed again just last week.  It took 51 years for me to arrive at rock bottom, to tear my soul into confetti.  No wonder no one sees me.  No wonder my soul mate is still out there, all alone.  I haven't been very good at living.  I worry it's too late to get better.  If you're reading this it obviously is.

'Getting real' may be an impossible process, but I'm trying.  It certainly isn't consistent or predictable, and it's definitely not complete. I'd need a partner who could stomach that if I were to find one. I'd need a partner who would engage in the process with me. It's easier to convince myself I don't need a partner than maintain the hope that I actually may have one. 

To quote Rob Thomas and his Matchbox 20 bandmates, "Can anyone tell me what was ever really special about me all this time?"  I used to know with certainty.  I'm not so sure anymore.  Or I never really have been and only recently learned to admit it.  It's one or the other.  I don't know.

I wish I'd been courageous enough to love the women I wanted to love rather than those I thought I was expected to love.  Or the ones people around me would accept.  Or those that loved me first, so it was easy to just hop on board. I did a disservice to them, and myself. I apologize for that.  I wasn't able to embrace who I am back then the way I'm able to now.  And I don't have the energy or desire to search for what I let slip away.  If I have a missing half she'll have to find me.  I'm not saddened by that. It's not something I see as tragic. It's the challenge of a Human Life.  Not everyone learns what they need to learn to grasp key moments as they occur.  Some of us learn those lessons years after the moment passes.  That's the nature of life.  I accept it.  I accept it and troll middle age women online.  Swipe right.   

I hope each of you sees yourself as loveable.  I hope you know that you're genuinely loving.  I hope you take the time to reflect on how you want to express love and the form it must take before it's received.  I hope you will be courageous and vulnerable.  Take risks.  Tell the truth.  Don't demand something from someone who isn't capable of giving it.  Learn to fill the voids in you by filling the void for another.  Make the effort to find love if it hasn't found you.

I hope you learn it's okay to feel lonely and that it's possible to never feel lonely at all.  I hope you learn to cultivate self-love with the same rigor you employ when seeking a partner to make love.  I hope you love freely and generously and with no expectation of return.  Just love.

Love the one you're with.

What is Love?

Where is the love?

Love the way you lie.

Turn up the love.

All you need is love.

Love is the answer.