17. A God Thing

Let me apologize in advance if you've heard this story.  I'm telling it again because the context in which I've held it has changed.  Before I explain how let me tell the story so there is a point of reference.

I was driving through Capitola one night just after I'd been arrested. Relationships with my siblings were already ending. Your mother was in the process of keeping you away from me and she was determined to do so. I was becoming an outcast to the community I'd invested myself in for nearly two decades. And the foundation of what had been a very stable life was falling out from under me. I was terrified and lonely.  I had no idea what to do.

As I drove up the hill on my way out of Capitola my body started to shake, and by the time I made the turn toward Aptos at the top of the hill, I was sobbing uncontrollably. I couldn't breathe or see so I pulled over and let my body be racked by an unanticipated despair. My head was bowed and I was holding the steering wheel with both hands in a violent clinch. I didn't know it then but I was experiencing the lowest moment I'd ever had. And then as quickly and as unexpectedly as the moment started, it ended the same way.

Something shifted. I felt it in the cab of my Durango and in the void that was inside me. I went from feeling completely and utterly alone to an unshakable awareness that I never had been, or would be again. I went from one place to the next in an instant. The best way to explain it is like this: You know how when you're in a dark room by yourself? You know when someone else has entered even if you can't see them. You know because the energy in that space changes, and you feel them. 

That's what happened that night. Something was in the car with me. Something comforting and calming. God was there, and he wanted me to know it. To acknowledge his presence I made the following statement out loud. "Okay," I said, "I'm going to let go of everything your going to take away, and I'll walk through anything you put in front of me, no matter how scared I am. I'll do it because I trust where you're taking me, and I know deep down I need it." I lived up to that vow.

The context that existed when that incident happened was one of collapse. I had no illusion that I could somehow regain control, or make things stop by imposing my will. I knew I wouldn't be able to bargain in exchange for more favorable conditions. There was something very liberating about that.

The context that exists now, at the time of the Story's retelling, is one of complacency and stagnation. I've felt stuck for a while now, and all of the ways I've used to get myself unstuck in the past have failed. There is no need or use for a career change, or a job that pays more money.  There is no relationship rut that needs addressing. And trying to get in better physical shape, or making a change to my appearance, would simply be a waste of time. I'm too old for what is superficial.

God kept the promises he made that night in Capitola. I didn't lose anything that genuinely mattered, even though I had to separate myself from them for a while. I entered every door he opened and came out better on the other side despite how difficult it was to get through things. God wasn't taking anything away from me. He set up challenges so I would know the depth of my Being. He did that because He knew I wouldn't. He showed me my real value in the world when everyone else said I had none. He gave me a gift. I can't be certain, but I think I need to do something for Him this time.  Something to show my gratitude, to show I understand. I just don't know what it is yet.