21. Alone And Not In Bali

I don't get lonely often but when I do I own it.  I square up.  I look it in the eye. If it ambushes me, or comes in a bum rush, I rush back.  I'd rather collide and feel the impact than be rolled and consumed.  Lonely is less lonely if you aren't afraid of it. Lonely ain't nothing to be feared. 

The best way to alleviate loneliness is to enter and feel it.  You need to locate its source.  When I get lonely it's usually because I feel a lack of connection.  When I feel connected to self, and that I'm a valued part in a larger community, I feel whole.  I feel my life has purpose.  I feel that way in a trailer on a horse ranch here in Chico.  

If either of those factors weakens, however, shadows form and light will turn to darkness. Something akin to that occured today and I was bathed in shade.  The cause?  Aidan boarded a plane to meet his brothers in Bali in a far away part of the world.  All three boys are gone for now and when they're gone everything seems darker.  When they're gone the sun sits lower in the sky and I, inevitably, feel lonely.

It also leaves me feeling perplexed.  I'm accustomed to not seeing my sons for months at a time.  That's not unusual.  It's normal.  But when they're someplace foreign, someplace beyond my reach, the way I miss them changes.  It affects me on a spiritual level.  I feel a void that can't be filled.  Some folks say hat's part of being a parent.  I'll take it another step further.  When you become a parent you become a practitioner of a sustained meditation on Loss.

So much of what it means to be a Father is defined by the way you allow space to grow between you and what you're terrified of losing.  It's a   Preparatory School for when you're asked to vacate the space you've held for decades, and allow what's meant to grow beyond you, to take over.  For me, that's my sons.  I live in gratitude, thanks to them.  I'm humbled to know such depth of decency, and character, will follow.

I feel alone during the moments I'm meant to feel alone, moments created by Life and circumstance to impose hibernation and dormancy on me when I neglect to do so.  Moments like this one where my sons are building their future together and I'm left to reflect on what's been lived, and what has long since passed.  Theirs is a future I won't see or shape.  I understand that.  And like most things we deem difficult, I accept it.  Still, it's a fucking lonely task. 

Acceptance is a simple idea.  It's a relatively basic concept.  It's also the difference between feeling bitter, cheated, and angry when something we love is lost, or being grateful and feeling blessed instead.  It's a very simple concept.  But it's a hard hard behavior to embody, and enact.

I'm proud of my sons for breaking from the societal herd and making time to reflect and redefine themselves in Bali.  Most people don't understand the importance of doing that.  Even fewer at their age.  It's a good use of time, never the wasting of it. It's a display of the kind of confidence and courage necessary to live a meaningful life.  It's a foundation for a purposeful future.  It's a pledge to acknowledge the fragility of Life, and live in the present moment.  

I'm proud they chose to do such a thing together. It warms my fading heart to see the affection they have toward each other.  It's comforting to see the effort they'll make to show up for, and support one another.  It has been  the greatest privilege of my lifetime to participate in their lives, even if it has been from afar.  I owe so much to the times that I felt lonely.