20. Big Shit

 When I wrote the post "A God Thing" I mentioned I had a feeling I needed to do something for God as a form of repayment for all he's done for me. I also said I didn't know what that thing is.  My life is instructing me on it now.

A few days ago I had a minor stroke that landed me in the emergency room. They did an MRI and found a small growth on my pituitary gland. We hear about other people being informed of things growing in their bodies but when it's you who is told it's dream like, surreal.  Only two things grow in the human body - babies and diseases. I can't have a bany so I'm leaning toward disease.

I didn't panic or worry when I was told.  In fact, I had no reaction at all.  I didn't react because I didn't know how. I had no reference point to instruct me. I sort of assumed everyone has things growing in them that shouldn't be so I took it with the same casualness you would a weather report. 

In the hours that followed I tried to process the information I'd been given. Does this mean I'm dying?  Does it need to come out or is there space for it to occupy without affecting what occupies space around it?  Should I be concerned, and if not why did you tell me it's in there? Do I keep this to myself or share it with the people I love? Will I turn into a genius like John Travolta did in the film 'Phenomenon' when he had something growing in his head? And most importantly, am I ready for something like this?  Something that could profoundly change your life, or inform you that this will be the end of yours.  Doesn't matter, because ready or not, it's here.  I'll know if I'm ready once I'm in it.  

One thing is for sure: I'm entering a space I've never been in before.  That means an opportunity to grow, and the probability of psychological pain.  It means being partially dismantled, and completely re-arranged.  It means I'll be okay. I'm at my best in spaces like that.  Buckle me up, and here we go.

God doesn't ask us to do things for him that are easy, common, or mundane.  We're not farm animals or lab mice, and we're not errand boys sent to pick up his dry cleaning.  God asks us to do big shit, shit that matters. Shit that shakes people up, or breaks them down.  Shit that creates controversy, or ends one.  God asks us to do shit that forces us to question what we're certain of.  He asks us to do shit that reveals what's left after what we were certain of is carried away in a flood.  I don't know what's growing in my head.  All I know is this.  I'm gonna have to deal with it and that's big.  That's some really big shit.   It's the kind of big shit I love.                

When you ask God to give you direction, or show you how to best serve othetrs as I sometimes do, he usually gives hints about which path you're meant to follow.  The choice to follow the path is always yours, and yours alone. And there aren't repercussions or consequences if you choose not to go where beckoned.  The only difference between the ones who say 'yes' and those who say 'no' is the depth of awareness and perspective they hold.  And readiness.  To say 'yes' to anything requires preparedness.  " Ready" doesn't happen for everyone, all at once.  It comes to those who seek it and we all seek at different speeds.  We all have different capacities for what we're asked to carry.  In general, the more you carry, the more you know.  And the more you know, the easier it is to accept you really know nothing at all.  

Those who say 'yes' feel the profound and expansive weight that is the world as their normal.  They mourn what they overlooked and under valued.  They understand it's a mistake to ascribe measurement to anything, and the importance of seeing things 'as is'.  Nothing exposes the inherent and resplendent beauty in everything that exists in the world like a confrontation with the possibility it may be your time to leave it.  Like learning you have a mass growing in the brain that lives inside your head. 

Admittedly, some people are better equipped to live in the unpredictable and unexplored spaces of the world. People either shaped by their Creator, or a series of uniquely specific life experiences that enables them to enter places others don't like to acknowledge.  People who come to exemplify resilience and survival.  People who have been relegated to the fringe of society for so long it's what they know as home. I am one of those people. I'm proud to be a member of that tribe.  Big shit happens out there all the time.


I feel more alive today  than I have in years.